Transformational Growth Experiences

Sometimes life hands you things that you would just rather not deal with. I mean let's face it. Who would choose a terminal diagnosis? Bankruptcy? Divorce? A chronic illness? Loss of a child? No one wants to go though such things, and yet they happen every single day. If not to you, then to someone you know and love. Which in some ways can feel like the same thing. It is impossibly hard to watch someone you love struggle. Suffer. Sometimes die. And yet if you live long enough, you are inevitably faced with such difficult lessons. You will experience them yourself, or live thru them with someone you love.



There are lessons to be learned from such situations. As painful as they are, it is possible to arrive on the other side having gained despite the loss. You learn some truths about yourself. And sometimes about others as well. You may discover strengths you never knew you had. And you will see your weaknesses pretty clearly as well. Growth experiences are seldom easy I have learned.....


I think the hardest life lesson is that of learning to accept an outcome you don't like. As a Christian I profess that God is sovereign, yet what I found during Wendy's long journey thru cancer was that I really didn't want to hand that authority over to Him. I wanted what I wanted, which was for her to be well. To stay well. For the cancer not to come back. I didn't get what I wanted. Neither did she. It was really difficult sitting in her oncologist's office that day facing the fact that the cancer would take her life. It was just a matter of how much time was left.


If Wendy felt sorry for herself she didn't stay there very long. She got busy putting on her big girl panties and accepting that she would have to fight for whatever time she could snatch away from the marauding invader that had taken over her body. She was faced with the nearly impossible task of continuing to live, while at the same time, preparing to die. My job as her best friend was to support that struggle. And to try to overcome my own with the spiritual forces threatening a faith, which I discovered, was built on a less solid foundation than I had previously imagined. There were only two possible outcomes for me. Either I would learn to truly rely on God and accept His plan as perfect, even if I couldn't understand it, or I would walk away in bitterness. Fortunately for me, God was busy laying groundwork that would settle this crisis of faith for me. His plan was beyond anything I could ever have imagined, and to this day I am humbled, awed, and sometimes find it nearly impossible to believe the lengths He went to to provide for me during this troubled time in my life. It was because of this grace shown to me that I was able to place my hand in His and follow His lead, holding on tight thru the valley of the shadow of death........


So many people have thanked me for loving and caring for Wendy during the last months of her life. No, it isn't easy to help someone die. But it is a sacred privilege. I promised her I would stay by her side, and I found the strength and courage to keep this promise by keeping my eyes fixed firmly on Him. Left to my own devices, I surely would have faltered. If there is anything remarkable about what I did, the credit belongs elsewhere. It is a reflection not on me, but on the One who loves me, who enables me, who lives in me, whose strength I draw upon. In and of ourselves we are often unable to persevere. But in, Him, through Him, all things are possible. Would I travel this road again with my friend? Yes. Would I have preferred a different outcome? Yes. Would I relinquish any of the lessons I have learned along this arduous pathway? No.  For growth experiences, though often painful, can also be transformational.  If we can learn to "let go and let God",  He will surprise us with grace every time. Shalom!

Held by a Loving God

Yesterday I did the seemingly impossible.  I sang a song in tribute to my life long sister friend at her funeral.  Singing in public is no big deal for me.  I do it all the time.  The difference this time was that  the emotional implications of doing so were somewhat overwhelming.  I wasn't sure I could do it when I  first discussed it with her husband.  But the more I thought about it, the more I came to believe that if I could just take this step in faith, that God would supply all that I needed exactly when I needed it.  I told myself that this was an opportunity to practice relying on Him and trusting Him to provide for me.  Instead of what I typically do which is to rely on myself for everything. This is something I am working on changing.....

The song I chose to sing was "Held" by Natalie Grant. This song had special significance for me.  Because it talks about what happens to each of us when "the sacred is torn from life".  How we ask to be rescued from every nightmarish situation.  And how God promises not to solve all our problems or give us a life free of difficulties, but rather to hold us when everything fails.  I shared this song with Wendy when we were planning music for her funeral.  She liked it and decided to include it along with several others I suggested.

This song described my own struggle.  Wrestling with the unfairness of it all.  Being angry at God for allowing this to happen to her.  Wanting to shake my fist in bitterness. Feeling sorry for myself and all the others who loved her and would lose her.  It was a long journey to the place of acceptance. It took months if not longer to arrive there.  It took a very wise friend of mine jerking a knot in my tail and pointing out that God owed me no explanation for anything.  That His plan is always perfect and if  I couldn't see that then I needed to change my definition of perfect.  I had to think about this for awhile.  But I came to realize he was right.  This same sentiment is expressed in the song in the following lines: "Who told us we'd be rescued?  What has changed and why should be be saved from nightmares?  We're asking why this happens to us who have died to live.  It's unfair".   My thoughts exactly.....

But as I would listen to this song, I finally came to embrace the truth of it.  That we are promised nothing in this life.  That God is good all the time in spite of how we might feel about it.  That He never promised us a problem free existence.  In fact, quite the opposite.  Jesus instructed his followers to pick up their cross and follow Him.  That if you wanted to keep your life you would lose it.  And that only in losing  your life would you find it.  These are hard words.  We don't want to hear them. We want to ignore them.  We like to pretend that He really meant something else.  But deep down we know the truth of it.

The good news is that He promises never to leave us in the darkness.  That no matter what life dishes out that He is there holding us.  He is he safety net thru which we can never fall.  His love never fails.  This long journey thru the valley of the shadow of death with my loved one  has taught me this lesson.  It was hard.  I didn't like learning it.  I resisted His pruning of me.  But in being thus pruned, new life now springs forth.

I could sing "Held" with conviction yesterday because I believe it.  Someone who was at the funeral later told me that she knew that the power of God was over me as I sang it.  She could feel it.  I could feel it too.  My brother later told me that mine were the only dry eyes in the sanctuary.  My own tears came later, afterwards.  I was indeed "held"  yesterday by a loving God.  I will be held in the days to come as I mourn this great loss.  He will hold us all.    Shalom!

Processing Grief Thru my Fingertips

One of the things that I have learned about myself is that I process through writing.  It is by putting things down in writing that I find the true expression of my thoughts.  I am actually a much better writer than I am a speaker.  I'm not always ready with the right words at the right moment, but when I sit down to write something happens and I find just exactly what I need to say. What I am feeling comes out as I mean it through my fingertips.  Any of you who regularly exchange e mail with me will attest to this.  Or at the very least, that I certainly do not suffer from a dearth of words!  One of my close friends says that an e mail from me stands for e-ternity mail.  It takes an eternity to read it!  Takes one to know one......

As I have been working through my memories and reflections on Wendy's life since her death, memories of things, characteristics of her personality, humorous quirks, have come flooding in.  I have decided that in typical fashion for me, I will process these through my fingertips.  And maybe share with some of her friends who have known her not quite so long, nor maybe quite so well.....

She took her coffee black, but preferred tea.  She never left the house without lipstick and earrings.  She had a penchant for picking mean cats.  Wendy adored kitties but never seemed to be able to pick one that was worth a darn (see Tiger!).  She was a one-dog woman (see Kip).   Breakfast was optional.  Dinner you could skip.  Lunch was mandatory.  Preferably in a place with linen tablecloths. No later than 1130 am or heads would roll!  She preferred the beach to the mountains and warm climates to cool ones.  She salivated over paint charts the way my golden retriever salivates when she gets within 10 yards of anyone who happens to be eating something.  She could never remember a single book she ever read or movie she ever saw.  We could be standing in a bookstore and she would look at me and say "Have I read this?"  To which I would respond "How the hell would I know, Wen?!?!?"  Watching DVD's with her was just as bad.  She would make me pick out movies because I am the movie critic.  She would swear to me she hadn't seen something.  We would bring it home and halfway thru she would say "Oh yeah- I already saw this"!   We watched the Academy Awards together every year.  Wendy was a chip freak.  You could keep the sweets but you better not get between her and me and a bag of chips and a carton of French Onion Dip.  Which was why when she craved sweets so much from the steroids this was a foreign concept to me!  If you were gonna' play cards with  her you better not screw up or she would eat your shorts.  She was a card shark!  Wendy hated tattoos with a passion.  She positively forbade me from getting one.  I promised not to, but now that she is gone I might just do it any way.  I little pink ribbon in her honor.  I can see her stomping her foot right now in heaven.  We can fight about it later............Our favorite thing to do was to find an upscale spa and waste an entire day there.  With lunch provided of course!  Other favorite activities: shopping, sharing a bottle of wine, talking till all hours, swapping decorating ideas, lying by a pool somewhere.  She loved entertaining and exemplified ease and elegance.  She was a Barefoot Contessa kind of girl.  Martha Stewart was too complicated she used to say.  She was the first one to arrive at every party and the last one to leave.  A true social butterfly.  She collected friends like charms on a bracelet. She had an easy way of making new friends while still clinging to the old ones.  The thing she loved most in this entire world was her daughter.  Her entire motivation for clinging to life when there wasn't much left to cling to was Madeline.  Dan understood this too.  She was not afraid to die, only afraid of leaving behind her family and friends.  She knew how much we would miss her.  She once looked at me, shook her head and said "You'll be a mess"  And I suppose I will be.  But for now I need to remember the good things. Remember her life.  Remember my soul sister.  She gave me an angel once.  Carved into the wings was this line from Wuthering Heights: "Whatever souls are made of, yours and mine are the same".  So true......Shalom!

Gathered Home With a Song

So anyone out there who knows me and who might read this knows that my best friend has been battling breast cancer for a very long time.  Yesterday she finally won that battle and has been gathered home to eternity.

So much of the emotional trauma of this journey has been eased for me by music.  There are so very many songs that have had such meaning for me and ministered to my heart through out this long battle.  Undone, I Can Only Imagine, Homesick by Mercy Me.  Praise You in the Storm, Love Them Like Jesus by Casting Crowns.  Amazing Grace my Chains are Gone by Chris Tomlin.  Where Joy and Sorrow Meet by Avalon.  Held by Natalie Grant.  And the one that spoke to me today by Cademon's Call- The Gathering.  Words as follows:

Sisters, brothers
We've got to learn to love each other
Our Father in Heaven has called us to be
Instruments of peace
Children of His mercy, the time has come
To face the sun and hold up high
The banner of love of the Lord

All God's children of love and light
Every heart will be unified
Singing praise to the Lord our King
On the day of the gathering
On the day of the gathering

We are the body of Christ
The kingdom come
The hands and feet of His will be done
A torch in the dark of a dying place
The living light of His saving grace
The living light of Amazing grace

Love and light, love and light
Children of love and light

Sisters, brothers
We've got to learn to love each other
Our Father in Heaven has called us to be
Instruments of peace
Jesus is the Prince of Peace.....

So many thoughts passed thru me as I heard this song ring out from my iPod today.  I know it so well, and sing it often, but it felt like I heard it anew today.  I know this is the Spirit in me opening the eyes of my heart.  The idea of The Gathering reminds each of us that we will all be gathered home one day.  In the mean time, we have got to learn to love each other.  We are called to be instruments of peace, His hands and feet on earth, until one day when all hearts are unified in Him.  We are His children - children of love and light. We shine a light in this dying place.  This is what we are called to be, to do, before He gathers us home.

Wendy was a child of love and light.  She shone as brightly as the sun.  That light is no more on this earth except that which we carry of her in our hearts.  Her light now shines in His Kingdom.  It gives me great comfort to know that one day I will be gathered home too.  And I know that when I cross the river, among those gathered to welcome me will be my oldest friend.  Looking like she does in my fondest memories, not racked with cancer.  I will run to her, attracted by the radiance of her smile.  We'll have a lot to catch up on......Shalom!

Hand it Over

I have just finished reading a book called The Reason for God- Belief in the Age of Skepticism by Timothy Keller. My guess is the author wrote it to serve as a counter point work to some of the stuff recently made popular by writers such as Christopher Hitchens and Richard Dawkins. This book was written to address the issues of faith raised by skeptics to help them get past their stumbling blocks, but it is certainly helpful to Christians in helping them to understand their own stumbling blocks and those of others in their lives.

My favorite chapter is the one called The Problem of Sin. Sin has fallen out of favor as a topic of discussion these days. Our society doesn't really seem to believe in this concept anymore. It's all good, right? You do what you want, I'll do what I want, as long as we don't hurt anybody anything goes, right? Morality is all culturally relevant anyway, right? This is why we shouldn't judge the ways in which the Taliban suppress the rights of women. That's acceptable in their culture. We shouldn't judge. Who do we think we are anyway? Yeah, right.......

Keller refers to the work of another author, Jonathan Edwards who wrote a book called "The Nature of True Virtue", one of the most profound works ever written on social ethics. In it Edwards lays out the case for how sin destroys the social fabric of societies when anything but God is our highest love. If our highest love is our own family, Edwards argues, then we will tend to care less for the families of others. If our highest love is that of country we will tend to be racist or nationalistic. If our highest love is for our own individual happiness, then we will tend to put our own economic and power interests ahead of those of others. It is only when the love of God is our highest aspiration that we are able draw from our own hearts love of fairness, justice, equality.

Keller further expounds on the problem of sin by quoting from C.S.Lewis from his essay "Is Christianity Hard or Easy". In this essay Lewis discusses the problem of sin by saying that humans deal with the problem of morals and ethical behavior much as we do paying our taxes. We know that there is a claim on us that we must meet, but in the end we hope there is enough left over to get on with the business of living life. According to Lewis, Christ says "Give me ALL. I don't want just this much of your time, and this much of your money, and this much of your work so that your natural self can have the rest. I want you. Not your things. I have not come to torture your natural self. I will give you a new self instead. Hand over the whole natural self- All the desires, not just the ones you think wicked, but the ones you think innocent- the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead.". Lewis further argues that while this may be difficult, the way in which we attempt to hold back something from God for ourselves is much more difficult in the end. We try to serve Him, yet remain focused on our own personal happiness and life goals which is exactly what Christ tried to warn us against. Lewis sums it up this way "If I am a grass field all the cutting will keep the grass less but it won't produce wheat. If I want wheat....I must be plowed up and re-sown". So therein lies the problem of sin. We can labor and work to keep it cut back and under control by our own efforts, but until we focus our entire lives on loving God first, the grass will continue to grow, the weeds will keep popping up, and no wheat will surely ever grow.

This might be a hard lesson to grasp, and yet as I read this chapter of The Reason for God, I found that it spoke very powerfully to me. I do recommend this book, by the way. It was well worth reading. It seems that the beginning of a new year is a good time to contemplate what it truly means to hand it all over to Him. As hard as it seems, I am beginning to see that my way has, in fact, been harder......food for thought. Shalom!

The ABC's of NewYear's Resolutions

It's New Year's Day 2011.  In stead of taking down my tree, cleaning my house, pondering my next exercise regimen, I find myself thinking about the year ahead.  The temptation, of course, is to make a list of New Year's Resolutions which I will begin in earnest and then drop away from about the first of March.  You know.  The usuals.  Lose 10 pounds.  Drink more water.  Finally take that Spanish class. Organize a drawer a day.  Switch to decaff.  Life changing stuff.....not!

Then I thought- why not make a list of real life changing things?  Why not use the alphabet as a guide?  This seems simple enough.  So here goes. My list of life changing hopes, dreams, goals, and ambitions for my journey in 2011.  Using the alphabet as my guide.....

Accept others.  Believe the good news.. Count blessings.  Dare to follow Him. Expect the Holy Spirit.  Forgive freely.  Give generously.  Hope for the future. Imagine the best. Just breathe.  Keep confidences. Love tenaciously. Manage anger. Nurture faith. Open your hand. Practice humility. Quell conflict. Rejoice in Him. Sing, sing, sing. Trust in the promise. Unite in common purpose. Value truth. Worship with gladness. eXamine your conscious. Yield to His will.  Zealously promote peace.

Not a typical New Year's Resolution List.  But then again, I am not expecting a typical year. I am expecting a wonderful adventure.  I expect a year of new revelations. Increased understanding.  Growth in grace.  More time to ponder.  Oh yeah- and I also hope, I really, really hope I can find the perfect moisturizer!  Forgot that one!   :-)  Shalom and welcome 2011!