In Winter

Today we awoke to find the world awash in radiant white everywhere.  Our first true snow fall of the winter and a rare occurrence in these parts.  You can go a couple of winters here without seeing snow. Which always makes me appreciate its beauty when do receive a snow fall.

There is something about winter that appeals to me.  I love that is is the least demanding time of year.  There is far less to "do" and therefore more time to just "be".   The other seasons are full of busy work.and activity  Spring with yard work and planting and spring cleaning.  Summer with kids out of school, trying to escape the heat, trips and traveling.  Fall with leaves to deal with every weekend, school resuming, the headlong rush into the holiday season.  Winter is different.  It is a time of dormancy.  It is a time for quiet and stillness.  When the weather is bad, things tend to grind to a halt and any plans you have made must be scrapped.  This probably annoys most people.  I always see it as a gift.  The gift of a day to do whatever I want, rather than what I was supposed to be doing.

Being naturally prone to introspection I need down time.  I need time to think, to process, to write, to reflect on things, to read.  One of my friends likes to say we are human "beings" not human "doings", though this isn't how most of us live.  In this culture we live to "do".  If you are not "doing" something there is an unspoken accusation that you are somehow shirking your responsibilities.  To which I often wish to respond "Even the Almighty rested on the 7th day!".  If that was good enough for Him, why is it that we think we know better?

I think a time of dormancy is necessary. It was designed by God to prepare us for the tasks ahead.  Trees need to rest in barenness before they push out their budding leaves in the spring.  When we push through our season of dormancy and fill it up with frenetic activity it is a bit like forcing things to bloom in unnatural conditions, such as those produced in a hot house. Sort of how we trick pointsettias into blooming for Christmas.  Has anyone ever seen a poinsettia still alive by Valentine's Day?  I didn't think so!

So for the next two months I intend to enjoy my dormant season. It will end soon enough.  Spring with all its insistent demands and alluring beauty is just around the corner.  I'm going to enjoy the bleak midwinter while it lasts.  Snow upon snow.  Barren landscape and lifeless trees limbs.  The stark beauty of this season of dormancy feeds my soul by giving me permission to just be.   Shalom!

Don't Miss the Gift

It's Christmas Day.  This is always a quiet day around my house.  We never travel for Christmas and we keep it simple.  Christmas Eve candle light service, food and drinks with my parents following this, some holiday TV watching.  Today is is gift giving in the morning followed by dinner at my mom and dad's house. The chaos and mayhem of the past 6 weeks draws to a merciful close.

This year I let a lot of things slide.  I made decisions to spend my time in other ways.  They were consciously made.  I knew if I did these things that I felt called to do, that other tasks that typically occupy me at this time of year would suffer or not happen at all.  While this created some conflict within me at times, I  knew that the things I was doing, the people I was serving, were the right choice. It occurs to me that each of us is faced with many such decisions on a daily basis.  There is a push and a pull on us at all times.  We are constantly asked to make choices.  We can either chose things that will have a lasting impact, or we can be derailed and make lesser choices that are typically easier, but far less important in His grand scheme of things.

The Christmas Story is much like this.  The easier choice for Mary would have been "No thanks, Gabriel.  Tell God I'm honored, but if it's all the same, He should probably find someone else for this job!"  The easier choice for Joseph would have been for him to send Mary away quietly as he had planned rather than proceeding to take her as his wife.  The easiest choice for the shepherds would have been to stay in the fields with the flocks instead of venturing into Bethlehem looking for a stable somewhere housing an infant.  And what of the Magi?  Following that star for years!  Why not stay home warm in the comforts of their great palaces rather than journeying on the back of camels across difficult terrain in search of who knows what?  All of these people made difficult choices.  And because of their choices God's perfect plan of salvation for the world came to fruition.

If the principle players in the Christmas Story would have made different choices, they would have missed it. They would have missed the birth.  There would have been no birth to miss.  We make similar choices today. And if we are not careful, we too will miss it.  Through all the chaos, tinsel, holiday shopping sprees, trips to the post office, packages, bows, holiday cookies, cards, parties, celebrations, gatherings- where is it?  Where is the miracle of the baby lying in the manger?  You see, this is what turns me into a Grinch this time of year.  It is all these other things that attempt to crowd out the miracle that annoy me.  Which is why the moment I live for every Christmas season is that moment when the lights are dimmed and hundreds of voices are raised in prefect harmony by candle light.  "Silent Night.  Holy Night".  There it is!  Finally!  Everything recedes and all that is left is to kneel next to the manger and peer at the sleeping Holy infant.  He is come. The promise of the ages.  May we not miss the gift he brings.....the promise of redemption for all who believe.  Shalom!

The Messiness of the Human Heart

 Do you ever have times in your life when it seems impossible to understand even your own heart?  Let alone another that of another person? Most of the time for me things are crystal clear.  I have a pretty high degree of self awareness.  I am able to sort thru my thoughts and feelings with relative ease and come to conclusions quickly, without a lot of laboring.  Once in awile, however, something takes me completely by surprise and I struggle to understand the contents of my own heart. For me this is the most painful of conditions. It is hard not to be able to understand another person.  It is unbearable not to be able to understand yourself.  I need to know why I act in certain ways. Why I believe certain things.  Why I feel the way I do about various people. .....

When I can't understand any one of these things, when something seems to make no sense,  I feel like a house built on shifting sand.  I just want desperately to get off the shaky ground and back on solid footing. Sometimes a relentless internal search will yield answers.  At other times, this is not the case.  It is the latter where I  experience the greatest difficulty. When I ask the hard questions, and still the answers don't seem to come...

I think perhaps this may be God's way of teaching us difficult lessons such as dependency and humility.  When we are sure of everything, when we are in control of all our thoughts and emotions, when we have it all figured out, we are operating under our own power.  We don't really need to consult Him for anything.  What drives me to my knees again and again is when I feel helpless.  When I lack answers. When I don't understand something.  When  I can't find within myself the truth because I just can't see it.  When I am blind, I need sight.  I need His illumination. When my heart is a mess and I can't wade my way thru the confusion, this is when I am most in need of His divine intervention.  Maybe this is why God allows us to be made weak in our understanding of things now and then.  So that we will turn to Him and seek His face.  So that we are reminded that He is God and we are not!

So that is what I am doing during this time of not understanding my own heart.  I wish it were easier. I wish it would end sooner.  I wish I could power my way thru the mess of my feelings but instead I find that I must sit and wait for answers that I hope will come.  And while I wait, I pray.  This is, in the end, all I know to do......Shalom!

True Love

Love is one of the most misunderstood of human emotions. What we are fed culturally in this society is a cheap imitation of the real thing much as the empty calories of soda and junk food are passed off as nourishment for our bodies. We see all sorts of dysfunctional relationships played out in TV dramas and reality shows, all allegedly portraying "love". Most of what we see presented bears absolutely no resemblance to the real deal.

So what do I mean by real love? The Hebrews used the word Agape to describe the love of God. This is the way in which God loves each of us and how He calls us to love one and other. This is the type of love that is described as the way Christ loves the Church.  The problem with Agape Love is that it is so rare as to be virtually unrecognizable.  This is the type of love that bears all things.  That forgives unconditionally.  That never fails even when we do.  Sound familiar?  I didn't think so!

The first place I ever remember becoming familiar with the concept of  Agape Love was when I went on The Walk to Emmaus several years ago.  Emmaus is all about Agape Love.  For 72 hours each of the pilgrims on The Walk gets a crash course on Agape . At the end of your time at Emmaus you know what it is to be loved and cared for in the most perfect and holy of ways.  Which explains why this experience is so life changing for many Christians.

I recently experienced Agape Love when participating in a healing service at my church about a month ago.  What I remember thinking and feeling that night was this sense that this was somehow the real mission of the church.  That so much of what we do isn't the real thing.  But there was a recognition that night that this somehow was.  The difference was easily discernible.  It is hard to describe if you weren't there, but in that moment I had perfect clarity that this was exactly what Jesus had in mind when He called us to love our neighbor as ourselves.  Something extraordinary took place in the union of the hearts and hands of all those gathered together in prayer that night.

Which leads me to my most recent experience with Agape Love and that is the love that compels you to stand with someone in the most difficult of circumstances.  I am talking about death and all the ugly realities of it.   Death itself, I am finding, is far less to be feared than the actual process of it.  This is true for the one who is dying as well.  The real fear comes from the long, slow, drawn out incapacitation, loss of functioning, increasing dependency, and loss of dignity.  This is the real enemy.  Very few people, I have found, are actually up to the task of seeing this through.  It is so very difficult. Which is why at the end, so many people simply turn away rather than face it.  Ordinary love isn't enough to see you through this situation.  But Agape Love is.  This is the love that God supplies that enables us to bear all things, no matter how difficult.

As I spend the last days on this earth that  I can with my best childhood friend who is dying from cancer, I am reminded that this is the final act of love which I can show her.  I can change nothing in this situation.  I can't fix anything as much as I want to.  I am powerless.  But I can be present.  I can care for her physical needs.  I can comfort her child and husband.  I can laugh, and remember, and cry with her over all the we have shared, over all that we will never share as I am left behind while she goes on ahead.  The good news in this is that we know that this is not goodbye, but merely farewell.  We know that we will see each other again in eternity.  And this, we know, is because of the Agape Love of a Holy God who so loved the world that He sent His Son to ensure that all who believe in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.  Now that's True Love.    Shalom!

Darkness and Light

I have a confession to make. I am not a Christmas person. I know people who are just gaga over the entire Holiday season. I am not one of them. I am more of an Easter person. Easter is by far my favorite religious holiday. Does this make me morose? I don't think so. I think it is just that I am a person who thrives on contrasts. I need both darkness and light in my world. It is precisely because of the darkness that I can experience the light.

I am reminded of reading something recently by one of my favorite bloggers. She was discussing the poetry of William Butler Yeats and how his writing is breathtakingly painfully beautiful to read. But for her, the way he breaks her heart over and over feels so wonderful that she is drawn to his poetry again and again. I can so relate to this sentiment. I feel this way myself much of the time.

I have never understood people who demand sugar all the time. Who insist on sunshine every day and revile gray,rainy days. Who push away every emotion that is uncomfortable. Who want everything to be pleasant and cheerful all the time. To me this is such a fake way to live. Life is made up of both happiness and sadness. Joy and sorrow. New life and death. Sunshine and rain. In short, it is a life of contrasts. And in these contrasts, true beauty is found.

The Irish understand this. This is why there are so many amazing Irish poets and writers. The Irish all have a wee bit of melancholy in their souls. Which explains much about me in all probability. You can't escape your gene pool!

All this reminds me of something my mentor wrote to me in a recent email exchange. He was talking about how one dimensional and fake much of our "worship" is. He said that people confuse the happy feelings they have in worship for some kind of authentic experience. And if they don't have a happy feeling that day, for whatever reason, they think something is wrong. Because worship should be happy, right? His point is that true worship, like real life is made up of many facets. There is joy, there is sorrow, there is repentance, there is anguish sometimes as we realize our failures and acknowledge that we need to change something in ourselves. This is so true. True worship should be a multifaceted experience. But more often than not, people want one thing and one thing only. A feel good sugar high. All light, no darkness, thank you. Can anything truly grow in such an altered environment? Can a plant exist with only sunshine and never a drop of rain?

Which gets back to my original point about Christmas versus Easter. I am in the minority as an "Easter" person. Most people would rather focus on the joy of the birth of the newborn baby rather than the anguish of the crucified Christ. For me the former has no meaning without the latter. So while I can celebrate Christmas, my eyes are ever fixed on the purpose of the birth which is the cross at Calvary. Yes it is sad. Yes it is painful. But it is a thing of unspeakable beauty. It is a journey from darkness into light. Shalom!

Giving Thanks

This past Thursday was Thanksgiving.  This is a time of year when, hopefully, we all take stock of our lives and realize, indeed, how truly blessed we are.  As we prepare for the upcoming Advent Season and the anticipation of the arrival of Christmas I realize that another year is drawing to a close.  It seems a good time to look back and reflect on the events that have shaped my life this year.

Some years are more life altering than others in our lives, to be sure.  Some years change and remake us. Some years are years of transition.  2010 has been such a year for me.  In addition to hitting the Big 5-0 this year, I also launched my youngest child into the world and faced down the proverbial empty nest.  The long journey with my best friend who is grappling with advanced breast cancer is now in its final stages, and I have faced transition issues both at work and at church which have been stressful.  I won't pretend that any of this has been easy, but what I have found is that out of darkness comes light, and that there is truth in what scripture teaches:  "My grace is sufficient for thee".

The biggest lesson this year that I have learned is that of God's provision.  And it is this that I am most thankful for.  For when I began to falter, and when it all just seemed like too much, into that space God reached down and extended His hand.  He provided for my need. He saw me struggling and interceded.  This is both humbling and awe inspiring to realize.  It reminds me so much of what we sing sometimes on Sunday-  "Who Am I ":  "Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth, would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurt?  Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star, would choose to light the way, for my every wandering heart? ".  Never have these words come more alive for me than in the past several months.  This I have found to be absolutely true- "still you hear me when I'm calling, Lord you catch me when I'm falling, and you've told me who I am- I am yours".

This has been brought home to me in new and wonderfully personal ways recently.  I always believed it to be true.  But this year I have experienced it firsthand for myself.  Thus making a much more powerful impression on me. It is always the things that experience teaches that we retain, rather than merely what we have read or heard about.

The lasting impact of the lessons I have learned is that I know absolutely that God is good in all circumstances, and that He wishes to bless us.  He will provide for all that we need.  Sometimes even without us having enough sense to ask Him to do so.  If that is not something worth giving thanks for, then I don't know what is......Shalom!

Mentoring: A gift of Uncommon Love

For the past several months I have been the beneficiary of the gift of spiritual mentoring.  This may sound like a foreign concept to some. Everyone knows what a mentor is.  Many people have had one. Perhaps a teacher, a coach, a superior at work who has taken you under his wing.  But far fewer people are familiar with the concept of spiritual mentoring, though why this is so I don't really know.  If you know anything about the New Testament, you can follow the greatest spiritual mentor of all time- Jesus.  Why we don't live out his example more often today is hard to understand.

Jesus spent the majority of his ministry on earth devoted to the development of the 12 Disciples who would later take the Gospel to the ends of the earth.  During his 3 year ministry he was often followed by great crowds of people.   He interacted with these as well as with the Pharisees.  But he always retreated from both with the 12.  This is where he spent his time.  He lived among and taught the 12.  Day in and day out for 3 years. For these men were the tools that would build his kingdom on earth.  Not the multitudes.  If his kingdom were to be brought about by the multitudes, then Jesus would have allowed himself to be crowned King by them as they wished, and he would have brought his kingdom in power rather than by dying a criminal's death.  No, his plan centered around equipping these 12 disciples, eleven of whom would go forward and build his kingdom on earth, empowered by the Holy Spirit.

Perhaps this is why we don't have many true disciples today.  Because the church has failed to take an active role in developing and equipping people as Jesus did.  The church no longer produces people who then go out and change the world in the name of Christ.  I am speaking of The Church Universal here, though individual churches fare no better.  You might say, well there really is no need for this today- the church has been well established.  I would disagree with you heartily.  Never, ever has there been a greater need in the world for the True Gospel of Jesus Christ. The world is hurting and broken.  The planet is suffering.  Disease and hunger are rampant.  Political strife and chaos are everywhere.  Divisions both home and abroad are deep and unyielding.  Never have we needed The Good News more.  Who will take it to the world?

The process of spiritual mentoring is one which builds true disciples.  It is the process whereby a  mature believer draws alongside a younger believer in need of development and provides one on one intense instruction and relationship.  This process is time consuming and labor intensive on both sides.  It requires the sacrificial gift of time on the part of the mentor and a willingness to dig down deep and do some intense spiritual homework on the part of the mentoree.  Uncommon transparency and trust levels are required on the part of both the mentor and the mentoree.  You enter the relationship not really knowing what will happen, where it will go, what you will learn, yet trusting the The Holy Spirit will guide your mentor as he guides you thru the process.  If done well, if done under the guidance of the Spirit, the process is life altering. And that is the whole point. To radically change the person being mentored into a mature believer who will then step into their own ministry and begin to change their world for the better.

This process for me took 4 months.  From what I have since read about spiritual mentoring relationships, the suggested amount of time for mentoring someone is the span of a year.  I got the crash course!  Never one to dilly dally around, I jumped in with both feet and began excavating.  Fortunately I had a mentor who was willing to match my intensity and give me as much of his time as I needed. Which was a lot!  It is the single greatest gift anyone has ever given me.  The things I learned and have come to understand have changed the very fabric of who I am.  And I have also come to understand that without such help it would have been impossible for me to grow the deep roots of faith which now anchor my life.

I have been very fortunate.  God sent me just the right person as a mentor. From this experience I have grown exponentially.  I am now ready and equipped to move forward as a mature believer in Christ.  I have received a gift of uncommon love.  My wish is that every person out there who is hungering for something deeper will receive the same gift.  May God bless all great mentors and teachers.  May every struggling believer find one.....Shalom!

The Common Thread

I cannot believe that it is the middle of November and I have not written a word this month. Not one word. It's not that I haven't had anything to say, it's just that I can't figure out which of the many situations in my life most deserve commentary. It's all just a swirling mass some days. There's the pain of impending death and loss of the my best lifelong friend. There is the joy of deepening friendship and fellowship with others who have reached out to support me during this long sad goodbye. There is the realization of a ministry that I know God is calling me to. There is conflict which continues to rear it's ugly head every time I think that the waters have finally stilled. And there is new life which I can see all around me even in the shadow of death....

In essence, there is a disparate life. There is joy. There is pain. There is darkness. There is light. There is peace. There is conflict. There is messiness. There is order. The common thread within the chaos is the uncommon grace of God which somehow manages to pull it all together, making sense of the insensible. Just when I think I have figured something out, He shows me something new. When I think that there is something I will never understand, He opens the window of knowledge letting light flow in. When I feel pressed down by the weight of all my concerns, He reaches down and picks me up. When confronted with painful conflict, He shows me how to respond. So truly, though some days I don't seem to know whether I am coming or going, it matters not, for He does. Shalom!

God in All Things

Once upon a time I thought it was very difficult to find God. He seemed far away and elusive. I wondered why He had stopped speaking to the world. You know- no more burning bushes. No more voice in the quiet after the storm. No more doves descending from the heavens. No more easily discernible signs.....Wouldn't it just make things a lot easier if He just spoke to us directly like in the Bible? He even spoke from the mouth of a donkey once! How tough would it be for Him to make an appearance on CNN? Wouldn't that clear things up for a lot of people?


What I have come to realize is that this is the thinking of a child. Just as it says in the New Testament: "when I was a child I reasoned like a child". Now that I have grown up in faith I realize that God is indeed everywhere, all the time. All it takes is opening the eyes of your heart to see Him.


My teacher says that the world is overflowing with the Voice of God speaking constantly, yet we miss it most of the time because we aren't looking or listening. He says our "tuners" are broken. Until they are repaired, we miss a lot of what God wants us to hear. That doesn't mean it isn't there.  We just miss it because we are out of tune.  I have indeed found this to be true.


My tuner was broken for awhile. In recent months God has been busy repairing it. As the work has progressed, I have found that I see and hear Him now all over the place. To use a hideous expression (sorry Emma!) I can't swing a dead cat without running into something God wants me to see or hear. Having learned to recognize the hand of God, I can now see the hand of God everywhere.


For example, in my yoga class, we talk about the first principles in nearly every class: Set your foundation. Open to Grace. I have been hearing these same words for over 7 years without much thought. Now I realize that these words are related to faith. We set our foundation on the Rock. We open to His grace. This week we were talking about how difficult poses are a chance to stretch ourselves and grow. Only by struggling a bit, and pushing our bodies past where we feel comfortable, can we go further in the pose and hope to reach the next level. Our faith journeys are the same way. It is our struggles that provide the fertile soil where growth can take place.  I find that as my ears are now open to hear, I notice connections everywhere.  Life seems like a great big giant game of connect the dots. A theme that my yoga teacher embraces for the week echoes words from a sermon or a book I have read the the day before.  I am sitting in a conference and the instructor begins to speak of the exact thing that I have just recently had a long conversation with someone about.  Plans fall through with someone, then at the last minute, something else comes up that ends up being essential.  As I think about all the interconnectedness of it all, there can be no doubt that God's hand is in all these things.....Not long ago I would not have recognized this.


In every opportunity that now presents itself, I wonder what God wants me to see.  In every situation that goes awry, I wonder what God means for me to learn. What I have found is that as you approach all things expecting to be shown something of significance, you will, in fact, find just exactly that. God has things He wants to teach us daily. It is our responsibility to keep our eyes and ears open to see and hear them. A wonderful simple daily prayer is one which asks God to show us what He will today.  To help us keep our eyes and ears open to see and hear it.   To recognize His hand print when He reveals it.  Such prayers, I have found, begin to help us truly see God in all things.    Shalom!

Lesson Learned from the Little Black Cat

I am a lover of animals.  Cats, dogs, mine, yours- it doesn't matter.  A card carrying member of both the ASPCA and the HSUS.  The proud sponsor of a monthly pet care sponsorship for the HSUS and a frequent contributor to my favorite animal charity- Operation Baghdad Pups.  I leave the room when they air those Humane Society commercials of sad looking dogs and cats with Sarah McLaughlin  singing "In the Arms of the Angels" in the background.   Just shoot me.  I can't bear it.....

Just a little over a year ago- end of August '09, I lost my beloved  14 yr old 3 legged cat companion Abby to lymphoma.  Abby was an amazing creature.  She was sassy, bold, fearless, and my best animal friend.  She loved me.  She ways always near.  If I sat down, she found me.  It was easy to kind of take her for granted because she was always within arm's length of my reach.  She often felt like just an extension of me.....I adored her.

After her death, I felt lost.  Enter the girls at my vet's office who just happened to have the solution to my grief.  A 5 week old solid black bundle of fur and energy whom we named Emma.  Emma after Emma of the Jane Austen novel.  Like Miss Emma Woodhouse, my Emma is always up to no good too!  Emma has now been running our household for over a year now.  She is the boss of everything just as Abby was.  The difference is, that Emma hardly ever sits still.  She is a whirling dervish of activity, seldom stopping for anything but food.  Her favorite activity is hunting for prey in our wooded yard.  She is quite skilled.  I have been gifted with many of the "fruits" of her hunting expeditions.  Small garden snakes (multiple times).  Live moles.  Many lizards.  Insects of all types.  And once, a monarch butterfly.  She carries them into the house and releases them on the kitchen floor- always alive- and then waits proudly for me to "find" them.  She is quite the provider!

The one thing I would change about Emma if I could is that she is so active she won't let me love on her very much.  She is just way too busy going about her business.  She seldom climbs up into my lap.  It is a rare thing for her to settle down long enough for me to get in a good snuggle with her.  I adore her.  She is so much fun, and she just makes me smile.  I want to spend quiet moments with her in my lap as I read or listen to music.  No such luck most of the time.....Just rare occasions which are precious to me.

It strikes me that this is how we are with God.  We are very busy creatures.  We hustle and bustle about all day long.  We seldom think about spending time in His arms, and if and when we do, we are in a hurry to jump up and get on to the next task.  10- 15 minutes a day in prayer or reflection is about all most of us manage, if that.  How much more does He love us, his children than I love my little black cat?  If I want to hold and love her, how much more does He want this of us, the ones he has created to love Him?

Sarah Young says it better than I can:  "Relax in My Everlasting Arms.  Your weakness is an opportunity to grow strong in awareness of My Almighty Presence. When  your energy fails you, do not look inward and lament the lack you find there.  Look to Me and My sufficiency; rejoice in My radiant riches that are abundantly available to help you.  Go gently through this day, leaning on Me and enjoying My Presence.  If you look back on your journey thus far, you can see that days of extreme weakness have been some of your most precious times.  Memories of these days are richly interwoven with golden strands of My intimate Presence."  From "Jesus Calling"  That Sarah sure has a way with words!  This is why I start every day with her.

Strangely enough, the one time that I can always count on Emma to show up is very early in the morning when I get up for my quiet time of prayer, reading, and reflection.  I always sit in the same spot in my beautiful room of all windows where there is nothing but views of green and trees all around.  She climbs into my lap, often trying to lay across my Bible as I read it.  We have learned to compromise on this.....She purrs and drowses as I read and reflect.  It is a wonderful time.  Emma spending time with me.  Me spending time with The Good Shepherd.  What could possibly be better than this?    Shalom!

Perception and Misperception

Lately I have been wondering a lot about human perception. Ever heard about eye witness accounts to an accident? Two onlookers may be present who both claim to have seen the same accident at the same time. And yet, their accounts of what they witnessed may vary greatly. How can this be? Both accounts can't be true. Someone's perception is off. But whose? And more importantly, why? How is it that two people can see, hear, and experience the exact same thing, and yet draw vastly different conclusions about it? It does make me wonder.....


I have been taking an amazing Bible study recently that has been helping me understand the answer to this and other difficult questions. My problem with reading the Bible on my own has always been that I would inevitably run into something in the text that would stump me. Something that seems out of context or just doesn't make sense with what we understand the true nature of Jesus to be. The focus of this class is to teach an inductive approach to Bible study, so that when you hit such a bump in the road, you can find the answer to your own question right there within the text you are reading. As our teacher likes to say, the answer is right there in front of you. The problem isn't the text, it's the reader. Touché!


So the answer to the question above, I have learned, at least as it pertains to the ability to hear the Word of God, is that it has to do with the state of our hearts, and virtually nothing else. It doesn't matter how smart you are, how much Bible knowledge you have, how many verses you can recite from memory, or how many years you have been going to church. None of this matters, and in fact, in most cases just hinders. Because sometimes as we become more and more certain of what we "know" the less likely we are to be able to see and hear the truth. The world class example of this is a group of people known in the days of Jesus as the Pharisees.  Just who were these folks?  They were the religious heavy hitters of the day. They were the educated head honchos.  The guys in the know.  The rule enforcers.  The heads of committees.  The members of the Board of Trustees.  The most respected leaders of their communities.  And yet with a very few notable exceptions (Joseph of Aramethia and Nicodemus) these men rejected the teachings and authority of Jesus.  They heard him teach.  They saw him heal.  They witnessed his many miracles.  They saw the same things the multitudes saw and drew completely different conclusions about what they had witnessed.  The multitudes were "amazed".  The Pharisees went away and plotted how they could kill Jesus because they thought his works were of the devil.  Two different groups....seeing the exact same things......drawing completely different conclusions.  Puzzling?  Yes, until you consider that it all comes down to the state of the heart.  The Pharisees were hard of heart and wedded to what they "knew" and to the status quo. The multitudes, in their ignorance and lack of understanding, were able to open their hearts and spirits and receive the teachings of Jesus.  Given this example it is easy to see the wisdom of approaching faith with the eyes of a child....

I used to think that the Pharisees were long gone.  That these people only lived in Jesus' time.  Then not long ago I realized that The Church is stockpiled with Pharisees.  People who know the "law" but have forgotten the "heart" of it.  People who sit in pews every Sunday but never sit with anyone in their pain and suffering.  People who can recite chapter and verse, but can't say a kind word to anyone in need of one.  People who acknowledge that there is suffering beyond imagination in the Third World but then live as if nothing they do contributes to it.  Do I sound judgemental?  Perhaps.  But I will not apologize for speaking the truth.  Let those with ears hear.......

So what is the solution?  I guess the beginning is just to open your eyes and acknowledge that you are suffering from what one of my friends likes to call "self inflicted certainty".  I love this phrase. To me that says it all. The beginning of allowing God to create a new heart in me was first acknowledging that my old heart needed to change.  From there many surprising things have come about.  Not the least of which has been a much heightened sense of perception about so very many things.  I now see whereas before I was blind.  I now hear whereas before I was deaf.  I now perceive the Hand of God working in ways that I would never have noticed it before.  All this, because I was willing to take a good, long, hard look at myself...and then ask God to go to work.  I did, and He did, and the rest is now being played out in life as a new creation.  To God be the Glory!    Shalom!

Willful Blindness

I am feeling very frustrated right now. It is a very diffiuclt thing to be able to see something with perfect clarity and yet have others around you be so amazingly blind. I was tellling a friend of mine the other day that until you are no longer blind, you don't realize that you were ever in the dark. Lately the scales have definately fallen from my eyes and this is both a wonderful and terrible thing. Wonderful in the sense that I can see everything with such clarity. And terrible in the sense that I can see things with such clartiy. It is truly a quandry. Was I better off living a life of relative bliss and ignorance? I have begun to wonder.....


On the one hand, it is an amazing gift to begin to see things as you have never seen them before. To examine something so familiar and yet see it as a completely new creation. Every moment seems to bring a new revelation. There is an expansiveness to this. I find myself wondering how far this will go and how long it will continue.   It is a bit like looking at one of those picutres made up of tiny individual blocks and suddenly seeing the larger picture they create.

On the other hand, I begin to see that many of the people around me are amazingly, willfully blind. Because my eyes are open I can now see this.  I am like the leaper that Jesus healed who went away telling everyone about his miraculous healing.  I want my other leper friends to also be healed.  Look! I shout and wave my hands.  Look!  I am healed!  You can be too!  Follow me!    Instead they hang back.  They complain.  The road is too dusty.  We are tired.  We don't want to walk that far.  Go tell that Jesus fellow to come to us.  We don't want to go to Him.  It's too hard.    He expects too much.  Repent?  Turn away from our sin?  We don't want to hear that message!  Just tell him to heal us.  That's all we want.  I go away saddened at the wonderful gift they cannot see right before their very eyes...

Sigh.  I am in good company.   God has shared my frustration.  Listen to these harsh words from Isaiah 6:9  "Go and tell this people:  Be ever hearing but never understanding; be ever seeing but not perceiving.  Make the heart of this people calloused; make their ears dull and close their eyes.  Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts, and turn and be healed"  I can now see with my eyes, hear with my ears, and understand with my heart.  How long, oh Lord, how long until the people around me can do the same?    Shalom!

What Souls Are Made Of

There is a wonderful line in the book Wuthering Heights that I completely love. It is when Cathy is trying to describe her feelings for Heathcliff. Certainly a most unsuitable young man in the eyes of the world, but despite this, Cathy loves him wildly. She describes it this way "Whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same". Now as much as I adore the Emily Bronte version, I equally despise the much overused expression in our culture of the desire to find one's "soul mate". This expression is overused, over expressed, and frankly just a really lousy cliche. It has probably even been uttered by Snookie from Jersey Shore as she hangs off the edge of a bar stool in a drunken stupor. Really- who hasn't heard this expression ad nauseum? It has become a cliche for anyone looking for love on Match.com


It is altogether a different thing to say that some one's soul is made of the same thing as your own. This describes a much more intimate expression of love and friendship. My best friend gave me a beautiful silver angel that hangs in my bedroom with this Emily Bronte quote inscribed on one of the wings. Of course I understood exactly what she was saying. This is, at it's core, a way of saying " You completely understand me. You get me. No words are needed. The boundaries between us are artificial." And so it is with best friends. And if you are very lucky, a handful of other people in your life.  It is always an amazing and powerful thing when you connect with someone at this level. There is no struggling to make yourself understood. It follows as naturally as dusk follows the day. We live in a world of complete connectivity. We are plugged in, turned on, twittering, face booking, blogging, emailing fools. We have instant, real time communication 24/7. Yet how many of us really feel heard or understood?


I think God gets that we need people whose souls are made of the same material as our own. He created our desire to be deeply understood. This is the way He understands each of us. He waits patiently asking us to turn our hearts toward him. As the creator of our souls, He is aware of what each is made of, and what each is longing for. The deep friendships we form with earthy friends are but an imitation of what He can offer us. As I was trying to finish up this post, I encountered an i Pad glitch that I could not get around.  So I quit and set it aside, determined to finish it at a later time when I could use my desk top.  The very next morning, I encountered these words in the devotional I use every day called "Jesus Calling".  Sarah Young has finished my thoughts up better than I ever could, so  I will quote her:  "Marvel at the wonder of My continual Presence with you.  Even the most ardent human lover cannot be with you always. Nor can another person know the intimacies of your heart, mind, and spirit.  I know everything about you- even to the number of hairs on your head.  You don't need to work at revealing yourself to Me.  Many people spend a lifetime or a small fortune searching for someone who understands them. Yet I am freely available to all who call upon My Name, who open their hearts to receive Me as Savior.  This simple act of faith is the bbeginning of a lifelong love story.  I, the Lover of your soul, understand you perfectly and love you eternally." 

Now if you don't think that God is an active presence in our lives, I just don't know what to say to you.  I was prevented from finishing, because God wanted to lend me a hand with Sarah's words which, by coincidence (NOT!) just happened to fit with the theme of this post.  Hmmmm......  Funny how that works!    Shalom!

Mercy Me and Loving Well

As I mentioned a few posts ago, I had concert tickets to see the amazingly awesome Mercy Me. This concert kicked off a week of vacation, so it was a perfect start to a perfect week of traveling.

Mercy Me released a new CD in May called The Generous Mr Lovewell. My guess is that the song Beautiful will be a crossover pop hit much like I Can Only Imagine was. There were lots of great songs performed that night including even a little U2 and some Tom Petty(I Won't Back Down is a great anthem for Christians if you think about it!). It was a joyful evening of praise and music, and you never once forgot that the center of the evening was Christ. Bart Millard, the band's well known front guy and lead vocalist made sure of this. A quiet, gentle, big bear of a guy, he gives the impression that only his love of Christ could tear him away from his wife and kids to do what they do. Bart is part minister, part musician/song writer. When he speaks you can feel the Holy Spirit working in him and through him. It is palpable. You can feel your own heart grow and expand when he speaks or when you listen to the lyrics of the many amazing songs he has penned. Here's what Bart and the Mercy Me guys have to say about their latest release:

"Who is Mr Lovewell? He's an idea. He's a movement. He's the hope that little things can add up to a big change. He's what the Bible has already called us to do....love one another. Look for the best in people. Give people a chance regardless of race, status, or gender. mr Lovewell is the understanding that the gospel is for everyone. Some may receive it, some may reject it,but, from where we standing, all that should matter is that the Gospel applies to us all. Who are we to demand outcome before we decide to contribute? Do we wait to tip the waitress only if she's done a great job? Or do we tip her even when she's having the worst day? That's what God's grace is....unconditional. Grace leaves no room for "I've earned this" or "I deserve this". What a concept! To love no matter what! And that, my friend is Mr Lovewell. Who knows? Maybe he'll rub off on a few people. Are you a Lovewell?"

How's that for a "Concept Album"? How's that for a "Life Strategy"? I challenge anyone out there to come up with something better....! I'm tired of Hope and Change. I'm tired of Don't Tread on Me. I'm tired of left and right and liberals and conservatives. I'm tired of labels and ideologies, and the upcoming mid-term election rhetoric. I'm ready for a new candidate. How about we all enter a write in candidate...a guy by the name of Mr Lovewell! Shalom!

Oregon: Reflections on God's Glorious Creation

This week I have been on vacation. As you can guess from the title of this post, we have spent our fall vacation in Oregon. I have said in a previous post that I am Irish by family heritage, and therefore a lover of words. This also makes me a lover of the land. Nothing makes the Irish in me more sentimental than beautiful scenery. And in this state, that is all you encounter as far as the eye can see.....

People encounter God in many different ways I have learned. Some people encounter Him primarily in the pages of the Bible. They feel His presence when reading scripture. Some encounter Him when listening to sacred music or in the words of a sermon. Others feel His presence through prayer and conversation with others. That moment when a friend says something and you just know that you were meant to hear just exactly those words at exactly that moment. You know that God is really doing the speaking. The final way that we encounter God is through His glorious creation. I think most of us experience God in all of these ways but we typically have one primary means. For me it is usually through people. This week it was through observing His handiwork in nature...

How often do we go through our daily lives and fail to notice beauty? Sure this was easy for me this week. I had nothing else to focus on besides my surroundings. And I was in a new and exciting place which I had never seen before. Everywhere I looked I saw something beautiful to behold. I wonder if the people who live here walk by these things every day and fail to see them? My guess is yes....

What I found this week was God pointing to His Glory and Majesty at every turn. In the crystal clear blue waters of Crater Lake. In the lichen clinging to the trees around the caldera. In the countless waterfalls of central Oregon. In the crags and crooks of the rocky coastal shore. From every intricate ecosystem of plant life surviving in the most unlikely of circumstances, to the sea lions lounging on the rocks as waves from the Pacific crashed wildly around them. What I could hear was God's song of creation. It is a love song to His children. "Look! See Me! I am He who has created all that you see! Worship Me as the
creator of everything. From the smallest single cell organisms to the soaring snow capped mountains. I am the master and creator of all". It reminds me of that line from the movie The Color Purple where Shug tells Celie that you should never walk thru a field and ignore the color purple because it pisses God off when you don't notice something so magnificent. Perhaps a bit crudely put, but true nevertheless. This week I made sure not to make that mistake myself. The earth and all that is in it truly proclaims the glory of the Lord. especially the little corner of it known as Oregon......Shalom!

Shattered crystal

Lately I have been feeling a bit fragile. It's almost as if my heart is a fragile crystal tear drop, constantly under the threat of being dropped and shattered. I have several theories as to why this is, but they seem less important than acknowledging just what is at the moment.

I remember when I was a child, we had one of those beautiful chandeliers in our home with lots of tear drop shaped hanging crystals. A few times a year my mom would remove all the crystals for cleaning. Without realizing it, over time, dust would accumulate on the crystals, dulling the brilliance of the light they reflected. You didn't really notice it that much until you saw how much more light was reflected by the clean crystals once they were rehung.

Sometimes I think our hearts are like this. Without us even realizing it, their radiance becomes dulled by the grime and dust of everyday living. We become so locked in step with the drone of our existence that we no longer feel awe. We don't notice beauty. We fail to be heartbroken by the same things that break God's heart. In essence- we fail to reflect the radiance of our Creator. We need a thorough cleaning. Sometimes we become perceptive enough regarding our need for this that we seek God and ask for His help to create in us a new heart. At other times this process may happen as a result of some kind of trauma that strips us bare and exposes us to the light.

Regardless of how it happens, you will soon notice a few things about your newly made radiant again heart. For one thing, while you will reflect more light, you will also be more sensitive to the lack of it. Everything feels more exposed, more raw and painful. You begin to feel as if you could be easily shattered. The cares, the sorrows, the heartaches of others will weigh on you like a lead weight. Which makes sense really, since crystal and lead are closely related- lead being used in the process of making crystal.

So as my heart has been created anew, I now begin to feel more strongly than ever that I am on the verge of shattering. And while his seems a fearful process, I somehow know at some core level that shattered glass reflects even more light. The shards will be a million tiny pieces casting light in every direction. "In brokenness comes beauty, divine fragility". Sound familiar? Shalom!

Divine Fragility

"From brokenness comes beauty
Divine fragility
Reminding me of nail scarred hands
Reaching out to me....."

These are words from a Mercy Me song called "Undone".  Did I mention that I am holding in my hot little hand 2 tickets to see them in Baltimore on Oct 2nd?  Answer to prayer!  Have been wanting to see them for awhile now.  Correction- have been NEEDING to see them.   Their music ministers to me in such a powerful way.  I am needed in Maryland this coming week and when I saw their concert date there near the end of my trip and one day before our scheduled vacation, it just seemed like God was saying- "yes- I will honor your need".   I know that there is a special blessing waiting for me at this concert.....

These words- they always arrest me when I hear them.  It never fails.  My heart always pauses. It doesn't matter how many times I hear this song.  I have recently been mulling them over and over and over. There seems to be something I need to write about them.  Yet as I sit here, I am not even sure what I want to say. The way words and songs speak to my heart remains a mystery to me.  I just know that they have a profound effect on me.  I will read something, or hear a song, or someone will say something to me in a conversation, and it is as if the heavens open up and there is a divine revelation.  It is the strangest thing.  I feel washed over in Grace.  This is the what I believe people are speaking of when they talk about an encounter with the Holy Spirit.

Divine fragility.....I have learned a lot about this recently.  This has been a paradigm shifter for me.  Over the course of the past few months I have come to understand some things about myself and about us as a people-  Americans I mean.  In our society Independence above all things is prized-  the quintessential "I did it my way!"  Rugged Individualism.  Pulling oneself up by one's boot straps.  If we had a national slogan it would incorporate one, if not all, of these concepts.  They all describe what we prize in our society- sufficiency of The Self.  But these are things that God despises.  It has taken me a long time to understand this.  I am not sure I would ever have reevaluated my unswerving devotion to these concepts were it not for a friend/teacher/mentor who gently challenged my thought processes.  Because I was BIG into self sufficiency.  What he as taught me is this:  God wants us to live in total dependence upon Him.  He wants us to need His counsel.  He will orchestrate our lives in order to bring us to the place that we are so broken that we throw our hands up in despair and admit we can't do it on our own anymore.  This is when God delights in us. Because it allows Him to meet our deepest need.  Which is what life is all about.....we are all designed with a God-shaped hole.  It is when we embrace our divine fragility that He can dwell within us and occupy this space......God doesn't just want to know us or for us to know Him.  He wants ownership of us.....

I no longer think of dependency as a dirty word. I think of it as divine fragility.  From brokenness comes beauty.....Jesus was perfect in all things.  In power, in knowledge, in glory, and might.  And yet He allowed himself to be broken in order to fulfill the Father's will.  From His brokenness comes beauty.  If Jesus could submit himself to the Father's will, surely we can do no less. Yes, - we will be "undone".  But being undone by God is a vast improvement over being done over by ourselves.......Shalom!

Friendship- The Sweetest Gift of All

I have the great good fortune of having the most amazing circle of friends.  Some of my friendships stretch all the way back to childhood- my BFF, Wendy for example.  Some of my friendships are fairly recent, but they are just as significant in my life as the long standing ones.  What I have discovered is that time alone does not determine the strength of my bond to another person. Nor can time or distance necessarily diminish it.  The most significant thing to me is just exactly how much of his or her heart a person is willing to share- how much of who they really are and are willing to let you see.  This determines how deep a friendship I will form with someone. It takes a special kind of trust for people to be able to show their true selves to another person.  It must be safe to do so.  You must know that you will be loved no matter what-  that it is okay to drop the "public mask" and be yourself without fear of judgement or loss of good opinion.  Because in the end we are all imperfect in one way or another.  Many of us, in lots of ways!

I have referred to friendship as the sweetest gift of all.   Some will no doubt question this.  What about family, you might ask?  I would never discount the importance of family. Clearly one's family is a special blessing from God.  However- families we do not choose.  These are given to us by God.  By and large we cannot change them.  Nothing can ever really dissolve this bond.  We can choose to walk away from our families, ignore them, cut all ties with them, but that doesn't change the fact that they will always be our family.  The bond of flesh and blood is not removable. Friends, on the other hand, are not bound by this obligation.  They are not tied irrevocably to us. They are free to walk out at any time. They have free will.  Just as we all have free will when it comes to our friendship with God. We are free to love Him or not.  The choice is ours.  No coercion ever occurs.

Jesus spent his entire ministry among his closest friends. He had a family. On occasion they even traipsed around Galilee looking for him.  What was his response?  He reminded them that his "family" was anyone who did his Father's will.  Jesus lived and died among his friends. After his resurrection, it was to these friends that he appeared.  I think this shows the special place of favor that friendship occupies in God's holy kingdom.

The strongest, truest, deepest friendships I have ever formed are with those whom I share a common faith. One special friend of mine calls these "sacred friendships".  I love this description.  Everyone needs sacred friends.  A sacred friend shares their soul with you as well as their heart.  They lift you up in times of sorrow.  They share your joy in times of triumph.  They hold you accountable when they see you wander off track.  They forgive you when you are less than perfect.  They love you not only for who you are, but also for who they see God making you to be.  Ultimately- they see you as God sees you.  And this is why your bond with such friends is so powerful.

Of course, such friendships are rare and precious.  Most of what passes for friendship on our popular culture looks nothing like what I have described above.  But such friendships do exist.  I have the good fortune to have a handful of such friends.  Even just one is a holy gift.  If you are lucky enough to have more than one, your cup truly runneth over! 

So if you don't have such a friend in your life, how do you go about finding one?  Well- it takes some effort, but it is well worth it.  I am very intentional about this.  If I meet someone whose heart speaks to mine, I work very hard to cultivate a friendship with that person.  I reach out.  I offer my time, my help, encouragement, and kindness.  I give of myself.  Most often I find that when you love someone sincerely and see them through God's eyes, they cannot help but respond to this degree of unconditional love. It is irresistible.  Because this is the model of how Christ taught us to love one and other.   There is truly no greater gift in this life..... Shalom!

Resolving Conflict... WWJD?

I have been thinking a lot about conflict lately.  There is so much of it everywhere we look.  In our homes, in our schools, in our communities, in our nation, in our world, and sadly- in our churches. The one place you expect to be your shelter in the storm. When your church ceases to be this, what does it become?

You would think that with the wealth of instruction that Jesus left about how we are to handle conflict we could do a better job with it.  The NT is full of examples.  The story about how to go confront someone and speak in love. If they don't acknowledge, go back with a friend.  Then take a second witness if that doesn't work.  That's a pretty clear example.  Turn the other cheek, walk the extra mile, give the man your cloak- all fairly clear examples also.  Forgive someone seven times seven.  You get the picture.....

So why don't we practice what He preaches?  This confounds me.  I think it must have to do with our egos, our overriding need to be "right" and an addiction to drama.  We pay lip service to "blessed are the peacemakers",  but who really glorifies peace and humility?  Take a good look around you at the world we live in.  The 24 hour news cycle thrives on conflict, petty insults, continuous stirring of the pot.  Why do people watch reality TV?  Name one show that portrays a peaceful, loving family, community, or small group...  Can't do it?  Of course not!  Because reality TV is all about drama and conflict.  People tune in hoping to see a cat fight.  Newspapers don't sell unless there is a big shocking headline of the front page.  The more salacious the better.

And sadly- our churches are not immune from these influences either.  Because they are made up of people.  And people are imperfect creatures.  Full of sinful drives and the desire to kill the light.  But the difference between "us" and "them" is that we profess to know Christ.  Yet we refuse to be changed by Him.  What good is "knowing" him when you don't "live" in Him?

If we really knew Christ and abided in Him, we would let Him, through us, love those who rub us the wrong way.  We would ask Him to help us love those we find unlovable.  Most of us don't even try to love those we dislike and maybe we shouldn't even try on our own.  Who can really do this anyway?  But I am reminded of a wonderful story I heard in a sermon recently about a man who, when confronted with a person from his past who had done him great harm, bowed his head and asked God to help him love this enemy.  He knew he couldn't do it by his own power, but his simple prayer allowed the Spirit of God to enter him , and it was the Spirit who loved this person.  And in that moment, love replaced anger, hurt, and remembrance of past pain inflicted.  Not by his own power could this have happened, but by the Spirit of God working through him.  Amazing!

I have been thinking a lot about that story today. How much better would the world be if we just practiced this kind of faith?  If each of us could just live in such a way, imagine the difference we would see in ourselves and our lives.  The next time I am confronted by someone who has really affected me in a negative way I will try to remember this example of Christ-like behavior.  I will try to remember a better way to resolve conflict  I will try to remember that first and foremost, we are called to love each other as Christ loves us. And forgive each other as He has forgiven us......Shalom!

The Place of Quiet Acceptance

I have been on a spiritual retreat for weeks now.  Maybe longer.  It's hard to pinpoint exactly when it began.  Maybe around the time I started writing these thoughts down in blog form.  But even before that, things inside me were stirring.  That is why I started writing in the first place.

I haven't gone anywhere.  I haven't been to an Ashrim in India. I haven't visited a monastery.  I haven't even been away for a weekend to the mountains- one of my favorite places to experience God.  No- I haven't gone anywhere. And yet, I have not been here.  "Real" life has been passing me by.  The laundry has piled up.  Bills sit waiting to be paid and have even been forgotten at least once.  The fridge is mostly empty.  The TV hasn't been on for weeks. Unless my husband is home from a trip, the house is silent.  Completely silent. 

People are noticing.  They are commenting.  I seem far away. In another world.  I have my head out of the game.  I still go to work.  I go to my yoga class. I talk to friends a lot via e-mail, Face book, and the phone but otherwise I am pretty cut off from the world. People keep asking me what I am doing.  The answer is this: reading, thinking, praying, waiting.  Why?  I haven't really known.  But I may be getting a glimpse now....

I think this has been a time of preparation for me.  I think God has been using powerful voices both of friends and from writers I don't even know to soften my rebellious heart. I think He has been wearing me down.  I think He has plans for me that require an act of faith so big that this time was necessary to proceed it.  In every step along the way recently I have been called to do things which have required obedience which, by the way, is something I am not good at.  With each whisper I have acknowledged, the stakes have grown.  It's like that story in the Bible where the servants are given assets from their master to manage.  One goes out and buries the money so as not to lose it, the other multiplies it for the master. With which one is the master pleased?  I am lousy at recalling chapter and verse otherwise I would quote it. The point is: prove faithful with a little and soon you will be entrusted with much more.

I keep hearing people describe me with words recently that scare me.  "Leader" being chief among them.  This is the last word I would apply to myself.  I like the word "servant" much better. I think I am fit to lead no one.  But I think I can serve in just about any capacity.  I know I am being called to serve in ways I have never considered before.  Some of them large, some of them small.  Some of them easily accomplished costing me very little, one that could cost me my health, safety, and well being.

That last call came this weekend.  I promised I would attend an informational meeting about a mission trip to Uganda with our youth. It was a promise extracted from me at a funeral  from our youth minister. What can I say?  He caught me at a vulnerable moment!  While I have always been a missions oriented person, this was not something on my radar.  I have always thought "maybe someday" regarding international mission work, but it has only been a faint whisper from far off.  I thought I would attend and then come up with a dozen reasons why I could not do this.  Not the least of which is I am OLD compared to the young people who will be on this trip and the words "no showers maybe for 2 weeks" are enough to strike terror into my heart.  I don't even like camping.  I am a Ritz Carlton kind of girl.....where's the nearest spa, please?

I attended the meeting, made no promises, said "thanks for the information", and headed home.  I didn't get far.  Before I even reached the house I had the overwhelming sense- heard within myself, all the reasons why no was not an option.  What came to me was this "what do you think all this time of preparation has been for anyway?"  Suddenly the skies parted and a sense of clarity appeared. And though there is much anxiety inherent in an undertaking of this magnitude- finally an answer to the restlessness.  And a sense of peace- I have finally reached the place of quiet acceptance,...

I don't know what this trip will yield.  I only know that I am being called to be a part of it.  And I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that I will be blessed by it.  Because what God calls us to do, he will accomplish according to his will.  I choose to follow where He is leading....Shalom!

Restless, Distracted, Weary

So -this has been a very difficult week.  In my experience, nothing upsets our apple cart or upends us more than sudden, unexpected, inexplicable death.  We all know that death is a part of life and that it can strike anyone, anytime. Yet we delude ourselves that such things only happen to other people.  Most often people we don't know- like people we read about in the newspaper.  When in comes knocking in your community it serves as a reminder that your time may be shorter than you think....

Why is it that, just like Billy Joel says "Only the Good Die Young"?  This really truly has been my life experience up to this point.  Most of the people I have known who have died young, suddenly, tragically were phenomenal people.  The  kind of people who are needed here on earth the most.  For the way that they love their family, their friends, their community, their church, and most importantly - their Savior.  Couldn't we just keep them awhile longer Lord?  We don't dispute Your right to call them home, we are just so much the poorer for their absence here on earth...

Grief, shock, and dismay have been the over riding themes of my life this week. Throw in some stress and confusion and that about sums it up. And all of the above have lead to a sense of overwhelming weariness.  Nothing seems to make sense.  Comfort is so hard to come by.  The words to prayer are so hard to form on my lips.  I  have found myself saying the same thing over and over "I just need....I just need.... I just need....."  I don't know what it is that I need, only that I need something that I seem to be unable to articulate.  I think this must be one of those times when the Holy Spirit is having to interpret my groans. Because I don't know what I am asking for.  I only know it originates from a deep aching place in my soul.  I just don't seem to be able to unravel the threads and examine them. 

Restlessness.  That is the other thing I am grappling with.  The realization, or rather being reminded anew, that life is short and you just never know if today will be your last, has reinforced a sense of urgency.  There is so much I want to do.  As soon as I figure out exactly what it is! Or rather, as soon as God reveals it to me. So- I wait.  And I need.  And I wrestle with myself and my emotions.  And I grow weary.  God seems silent and far away.  I think I just figured out what I need....  I just need Him to draw near. There is the inarticulate just articulated......

That's the beauty of writing. Sometimes when you write things down you can suddenly see them clearly.  I think I have found my prayer.  Think I will go pray it now.....  Shalom!

Powerful Sorrows

Today is a day of crippling sorrow.  Today is one of those bitter days from which we will later be reminded of the sweetness of life when we see it once again.  Because we have tasted the bitter, we recognize the sweet.  All lives are made up of both.  There is a season for all things as it says in Ecclastices.  Though we resist the pain and attempt to push it away, ultimately we must yield unto it. The only way around is through.  Praise His Holy name, for the promise that He will walk along side us in the valley of the shadow.....

Death, loss, change and strife- all have paid me a visit in the last 72 hours.  Death- when is strikes out of the blue and carries off someone you just saw a minute, a day, a week ago is particularly hard to fathom.  You are left with the sense that someone has pulled the rug out from under you.  How is it possible that a healthy, vibrant life is snatched away in an instant? We mourn for a life left unfinished- or so it seems to us.......

On the other hand, the other way isn't necessarily any easier.  My best friend has stage IV cancer and she has had a slow inexorable progression towards the inevitable surrender of her life.  I have listened to her speak about arranging her own funeral, picking out her own casket, and talk about where she will be buried.  Not a conversation you should be having with someone who just turned 50 a few months ago.  This impending loss became very real to me in the past day or so as I spent some time visiting her and seeing the changes which have occurred since the last time we were together.  This is a slow death by degrees.

Change and strife.  My other two nemeses have reared their ugly heads.  I don't like conflict.  I like it even less in my church which I believe to be my sanctuary, my oasis, my port in the storm.  When things start swirling out of control and gossiping tongues start wagging I get upset. Somehow it is harder to take from Christian people.  I have a higher expectation of people who call themselves followers of Christ.  Are we not supposed to solve our conflicts with love and understanding?  Why does every contentious issue have to turn into a head hunt?

And finally change.  This is a big one for me. I don't like anything that takes people whom I love out of my life.  And there have been lots of such losses recently. They have sort of piled up in a cumulative effect.  I have a tendency to collect people like charms on a bracelet.  They are all valuable, important, and beloved to me.  When changes occur that remove them from their role in my life I usually don't take it well. That may be sort of an understatement. Tearful meltdown is a more apt description....

So- all of the above- sudden unexpected death, slow impending death march, conflict and dissention, and change of the undesired kind, have met at an intersection in my life all at the same time.  The result is a powerful sense of sorrow.  This is the bitter part.  As I sit here tempted to feel sorry for myself I am reminded that God never promised us an easy journey- just that He would be along for every step of it. Pasture maker- hold on to my hand.  Walk beside me.  Comfort me with Thy rod and Thy staff.  Some days on earth are just too full of sorrow to be borne alone......Shalom!

Reflections from Somewhere in the Middle

Today I am a half century old.  Boy is that hard to write!  I have never been one to worry about birthdays piling up.  30 was nothing. 40 was a breeze.  50?  Not so much!  This one has been tough.  Something about 50 seems just, well.....really old!  You can be almost certainn at this point that most of your life is now behind you.  Thus it seems proper that a moment or two of reflection is in order.

So I have basically been dreading this date on the calender all year.  One by one my friends have marked their 50th birthdays.  Some gracefully, some kicking and screaming.  For me it has been more a sense of just dread!  I have been dreading turning 50.  It seems silly to say this, but it is the truth.

Recently, however, I have begun to think that it might not be the end of the world.  What has made the difference, has been  focusing on all the things in my life that I have to be grateful for.  Which is a pretty substantial list I have discovered.

The most important thing that I have to be grateful for, I have discovered, can be summed up in one simple word:  Relationships.  That pretty much encompasses everything.  There is my relationship with God first and foremost.  My relationship with my husband and family.  My relationship with many close friends both new and old, near and far.  My relationship with my co-workers, many of whom are also friends.  My relationship with the people of my church family.  My relationship with my 4 legged children.  All of these relationships are what provide nearly every drop of sweetness in my life.  It is all these connections that make life worth living.  And even though youth and beauty fade, health fails, the mind can weaken, relationships persist as long as the people in your life continue their journey on this planet.

But inevitably, one by one, all the relationships in our lives will end, except the one with our Creator. Becausee one by one we will all leave this life.  There is only one way outta' here.  No one gets a pass.  Even Christ faced death and He was divine.  But if we have faith, we are promised a life after this one. We are promised an eternal life.  One that is perfect.  One where we will be reunited with our loved ones and friends. One where we will never hurt or grow old, or experience sickness, loneliness or brokenness.  Given the perfection of heaven, I sometimes wonder why we cling to earth for all it's worth!  If you believe in the promises of Christ, then you know that in death there is nothing to fear.

So at this point I figure I am much closer to death than I am to birth. Therefore, I am going to stop spending time worrying about stupid stuff and instead focus on the sweetness of life and all the relationships that produce it.  I want to fill my life with people I love, books, music, flowers, quiet time, prayer and reflection, yoga classes, writing, travel, and spreading the Good News.  I want to do all that I can to promote the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth.  Because as I have said before- I want to hear these words at the end of my life "well done good and faithful servant" . This seems like a good goal for whatever years lie ahead....The place past 50. That journey begins today......   Shalom!

Be Careful What You Ask For.......

I've been doing a lot of praying and reflecting lately.  Call it my mid-life crisis if you like.  At least I am not leaving my spouse, having plastic surgery or taking up sky diving.  Comparatively speaking, I am not engaged in anything too radical.  Except that when you are dealing with God, things can take on a whole new dimension......

So the gist of my prayers, among other things, is that He can just take over.  "Jesus Take the Wheel" so to speak, except without the other hokey country lyrics!  Have at it God!  You can be the boss of me, as my kids used to say when they were young.  If You show me what You want me to do, then I will do it.  I promise. But You better make it REALLY clear,  because after years of doing my own thing, I might be a little out of practice hearing You.  And that's where it has gotten interesting.....

So when you pray for the opportunity to serve God and to be obedient, guess what- He shows up and gives you something big to do, but then nothing else.  No advice. No road map. No nothing.  Just this : "You do it".  Okay.....so I get that you want me to do something about this situation  I have been praying about but seriously-  I can't figure this one out on my own.  It's too big!  Here's where I have to resist the temptation to whine a bit......

So for the next few days I kept thinking and praying and wondering where this was all going to end up.  Still no road map.  Finally what I figure out was that I'm not supposed to have the plan.  That all I had to do is take the first few steps in faith.  That I could then wait to see how and where He would show up to get things done.  Because He totally will.  He's not asking me to do anything that He won't work out.  All I had to do was take a few steps.....

So I did that.  I'm not saying there haven't been road blocks and dead ends. But what I have learned from this is that overcoming those obstacles will bring even more glory to His name when the final hurdle is cleared.  And it will be.  Things are working out.  There have been lots of phone calls, lots of culling through information about various potential solutions.  I have found someone to partner with who also cares deeply about this situation.  I have reached out, and shared, and involved people from my church both clergy and laity for help.  People are responding. They want to help.  They are giving so that a family in need will have a desperate need met.  No one has turned away.  The generosity of a few people has been overwhelming.....To God be the glory.....

The other thing that God has asked me to do I have been less obedient about.  Did I mention there were two things? Maybe I should say two things so far..... However, that landed squarely back on my plate too, when a  friend said to me very directly and in no uncertain terms "You know.  You absolutely know that God is calling you to teach".  Not maybe you should think about this, Melissa.  Not have you considered this.  Just "you know".  Crap!  Yes, I kind of do know and I have considered it in a half hearted way.  I even raised the question myself.  Kind of.  In a non-committal sort of way.....This one is even harder than the bigger task above because it involves taking a big personal risk. Who am I to teach anyone anything?  Like I have any answers!  Mostly what I have are tough questions and the unflinching ability to ask them.  The other quality I possess is the ability to endure discomfort in the quest for spiritual growth. I like being challenged.  I prefer the truth, thank you.  No need to sugar coat anything for me.  I can take it. Maybe that is all I need to lead a small group study. I will have to trust God to lead the right people into such a group, because it could be a disaster otherwise!  Not everyone likes tough questions and sticky issues.  I get that.  Maybe there will be a class disclaimer:  "If you just want a little feel good Christianity this is not the class for you"  That's fair, right?  A little truth in advertising.....We'll see.....

I'm just saying- one thing at a time God, one thing at a time.  Promise I'll get to it all at some point.....I'm still a work in progress.  You are the Potter.  I am just the clay.  The vessel isn't complete yet.  But it is sort of fun to think about what the finished product might look like.....Shalom!

Things that Make Me Squirm

I have the unusual personality trait of being able to face things that make me uncomfortable.  I will not back away from anything just because it makes me uneasy.  I would rather look at what's going on inside and ask myself  "Why does this bother me?"  I would rather look things in the eye than turn away.  Wrestling with issues that bother us, in the end, I believe promotes growth. A faith unexamined is not a faith worth having someone famous once said.....sure wish I could remember who that was....

So the current book I am reading "Radical: Taking Back Your Faith from the American Dream" is just deeply discomforting.  Let me just say it now and get it out of the way.  This book REALLY is a tough read. On so many levels, for so many reasons.  This will probably be the subject of the next several posts- there is just so much here to grapple with....

First difficulty for me is that the author, David Platt, is a young evangelical Baptist of the Southern persuasion.  I have a tough time with the Baptist Church . (I apologize in advance to all my Baptist friends). They have always seemed a bit too rigid to me.  Not my cup of tea.  I dislike their stance on women in the church and their complete inflexibility about the specific nature of baptism (whole body immersion) vs sprinkling of babies, etc has always struck me as just plain silly.  Like God is gonna' punish people due to a lack of sufficient water over the entire body.  Have these people ever heard of the Pharisees and how Jesus constantly admonished them over their rabid legalism as opposed to being adherent to the spirit of the law?  Guess not!

But in the interest of reading with an open mind, I have set this aside.  More or less.  The basic gist of this book is, that if you are a Christian (or if you call yourself one) then it is imperative that you be about God's business in the world of The Great Commission which is to go out and make disciples of ALL NATIONS.  Platt basically believes that in this country, our pursuit of the American Dream is the antithesis of the mission of Christianity.  The  American Dream emphasizes individualism, self promotion, self awareness, pursuit of personal happiness at all costs, materialism, accumulation of wealth, power, and influence.  Contrast that with the mission of Christianity, which is to die daily in Christ, to put the self aside, to sacrifice for the Kingdom of Heaven, to obey God's commandment to go and spread the Gospel to all the world, and to be willing to die if need be pursuant to all of the above.  Are you squirming yet?  You should be!

So why don't we behave like who we say we are?  Lots of reasons, but the one that bothers me the most deals with the whole issue of "pluralism" which dominates the global religious landscape and is the idea that if God does indeed exist, then He has provided many means of salvation for the lost.  If this is in fact so, then there is no urgency to go and make disciples of all nations because we can all get to heaven by lots of different pathways.  Hmmm.....except this isn't what Christ taught.  And worse yet- if this is in fact true, then why was Christ sent by the Father to endure a grueling death on the cross in order to reconcile us to God?  Why did He hang there in agony for over 6 hours dying a criminal's death if we could all just join the Father in eternal life by any ole' means convenient for us?  Does this not cheapen the sacrifice at Calvary? 

But this viewpoint is completely not PC.  Don't ever hint that you question the notion of pluralism in our society or even around some of your own friends and family, because you will be immediately dismissed.  It usually goes something like this "You can't possibly be so narrow minded as to think that Christianity is the only pathway to God!"  Followed by righteous indignation and dismissal of your views as "crazy fundamentalist!"  I really don't think of myself as crazy, nor as a fundamentalist, and I would much rather the notion of pluralsim be true.  It suits me better.  I am in inclusive kind of person.  I don't want to see anybody left out.  I want all good people to have a shot at eternity in heaven.  The problem is, as I understand it from the New Testament, God has already formulated His own plan to redeem the nations, and that plan involves salvation thru faith in Christ.  I might not like His plan, but when I can create my own universe and keep the sun from falling out of the sky, then perhaps I could take Him on in a debate about the wisdom of this whole salvation plan......Till then I think I'll just shut up and accept the fact that "my ways are not as high as Yours are"......perhaps others should give up questioning God as well.....I'm just sayin'......

Platt, being a Baptist and all, has no trouble whatsoever pointing to the fact that even American Christians embrace the notion of pluralism and therefore feel no sense of urgency to name, claim, teach the masses about Jesus as if their very lives depended upon it.  Because, in fact, we don't believe that their/our very lives depend upon knowing Him.  We'd rather just sit in church once in awhile, give a little money now and then, trade up for bigger houses, bigger cars, bigger bank accounts, and turn away from the billions of poor, struggling, unloved, unaware people on the planet who will never hear the Good News because we have conveniently forgotten that final little commandment of Christ just before His ascension:  Go and make disciples of all nations....A belief in pluralsim gives us a pass to skip that whole Great Commission thing and allows us to divert our attention to more important issues.  Like pursuing the American Dream.  While all of this is disturbing and painful to admit, it makes a great deal of sense to me....

Every once in awhile, even the Baptists get it right.......It might make make squirm.  It might make me uneasy.  I might not understand the plan, but how can I turn away from the truth? Painful as it might be? That's not really my style.......Shalom!

Crossing the Line

As I have said,  I am reading a lot.  Well-  I am always reading a lot, but what is different lately is that everything I am reading is God-glorifying.  It's all about breaking out of the conventional faith about 95% of us settle for and going somewhere deeper, more radical, more life altering.  In short- it's about taking it to the final level of commitment. 

The most recent work I am pondering is Craig Groeschel's book entitled "The Christian Atheist".  Now there is an intriguing title.  Short little read but packed full of powerful ideas.  I read it in less than 2 days.  Groeschel, though an evangelical minister, describes himself and a recovering Christian Atheist.  He says that Christian Atheists are those who claim to know Christ, but live as if He doesn't exist. The book is about how he was able to identify this problem within himself,  how he sought after God to change him, and the difference between how he used to live and how he now lives his life today.  If you can't see yourself in this book it is because you have no eyes.

In the final pages of the book Groesschel describes 3 lines that Christians must consider their position in relationship to.  The First Line is where most people are.  They believe in God but only as kind of a master candy dispenser in the sky. They only consult Him when they need something.    As long as the candy is being dispensed according to their needs/demands, that is all the matters.  God is an after thought in their lives if they ever think of Him at all.  The Second Line involves a life of comfortable service.  Eventually some first liners will cross over into the second line.  These are folks who are mainly regular church goers. They are in church frequently, serving when called upon, involved in things. They give of their time and resources, but they retain control. They won't sacrifice anything for their faith. They will contribute, but only to a certain point.  Because hey- let's be reasonable- God can't expect everything, right?  The Third Line involves total abandonment and surrender to God.  People who cross this line truly live for Christ.  They are His. They go where He asks them, do what He calls them to do, live lives of sacrifice for the Gospel.  In short- they are fully surrendered.  God is in control, and they are just along for the ride.  Obviously, few people ever make it across the third line.  Most Americans are line one Christians.  Fewer still are in the line two group, and no one ever crosses the third line without first coming to the conclusion that the only life worth living involves complete abandonment of the self in order to serve Christ.  This is barely possible in the self seeking, self serving culture we live in.  Think for a moment of how many people you actually know who are third line Christians.  Have you ever know one? I have read about such people, but I have actually known only one or two.  I know one such person right now and the impact in my life has been huge.  Just being around someone living this way makes you want to reconsider everything in your own life. 

So I have pretty much been a line two Christian for a very long time now.  It's fairly easy to identify yourself  in the above examples, isn't it? If you are honest you won't have a problem!  But there is something in me that is hungering for more.  I am restless.  I want so much more from this journey. I know that the only thing that can satisfy is a live lived fully surrendered.  I know that there is nothing in this world that can provide lasting peace and joy regardless of the circumstances other than a full blown line three commitment.  So this is what I am working on.  Being able to cross that final line.  It's not an instantaneous decision to take the plunge, but rather more like a process of slow renovation.  Once the work is done, the crossing will feel effortless.  I await that day with great anticipation and joy.  Think about joining me where I am headed- across the third line..... Shalom!