Yesterday I did the seemingly impossible. I sang a song in tribute to my life long sister friend at her funeral. Singing in public is no big deal for me. I do it all the time. The difference this time was that the emotional implications of doing so were somewhat overwhelming. I wasn't sure I could do it when I first discussed it with her husband. But the more I thought about it, the more I came to believe that if I could just take this step in faith, that God would supply all that I needed exactly when I needed it. I told myself that this was an opportunity to practice relying on Him and trusting Him to provide for me. Instead of what I typically do which is to rely on myself for everything. This is something I am working on changing.....
The song I chose to sing was "Held" by Natalie Grant. This song had special significance for me. Because it talks about what happens to each of us when "the sacred is torn from life". How we ask to be rescued from every nightmarish situation. And how God promises not to solve all our problems or give us a life free of difficulties, but rather to hold us when everything fails. I shared this song with Wendy when we were planning music for her funeral. She liked it and decided to include it along with several others I suggested.
This song described my own struggle. Wrestling with the unfairness of it all. Being angry at God for allowing this to happen to her. Wanting to shake my fist in bitterness. Feeling sorry for myself and all the others who loved her and would lose her. It was a long journey to the place of acceptance. It took months if not longer to arrive there. It took a very wise friend of mine jerking a knot in my tail and pointing out that God owed me no explanation for anything. That His plan is always perfect and if I couldn't see that then I needed to change my definition of perfect. I had to think about this for awhile. But I came to realize he was right. This same sentiment is expressed in the song in the following lines: "Who told us we'd be rescued? What has changed and why should be be saved from nightmares? We're asking why this happens to us who have died to live. It's unfair". My thoughts exactly.....
But as I would listen to this song, I finally came to embrace the truth of it. That we are promised nothing in this life. That God is good all the time in spite of how we might feel about it. That He never promised us a problem free existence. In fact, quite the opposite. Jesus instructed his followers to pick up their cross and follow Him. That if you wanted to keep your life you would lose it. And that only in losing your life would you find it. These are hard words. We don't want to hear them. We want to ignore them. We like to pretend that He really meant something else. But deep down we know the truth of it.
The good news is that He promises never to leave us in the darkness. That no matter what life dishes out that He is there holding us. He is he safety net thru which we can never fall. His love never fails. This long journey thru the valley of the shadow of death with my loved one has taught me this lesson. It was hard. I didn't like learning it. I resisted His pruning of me. But in being thus pruned, new life now springs forth.
I could sing "Held" with conviction yesterday because I believe it. Someone who was at the funeral later told me that she knew that the power of God was over me as I sang it. She could feel it. I could feel it too. My brother later told me that mine were the only dry eyes in the sanctuary. My own tears came later, afterwards. I was indeed "held" yesterday by a loving God. I will be held in the days to come as I mourn this great loss. He will hold us all. Shalom!
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