Shattered crystal

Lately I have been feeling a bit fragile. It's almost as if my heart is a fragile crystal tear drop, constantly under the threat of being dropped and shattered. I have several theories as to why this is, but they seem less important than acknowledging just what is at the moment.

I remember when I was a child, we had one of those beautiful chandeliers in our home with lots of tear drop shaped hanging crystals. A few times a year my mom would remove all the crystals for cleaning. Without realizing it, over time, dust would accumulate on the crystals, dulling the brilliance of the light they reflected. You didn't really notice it that much until you saw how much more light was reflected by the clean crystals once they were rehung.

Sometimes I think our hearts are like this. Without us even realizing it, their radiance becomes dulled by the grime and dust of everyday living. We become so locked in step with the drone of our existence that we no longer feel awe. We don't notice beauty. We fail to be heartbroken by the same things that break God's heart. In essence- we fail to reflect the radiance of our Creator. We need a thorough cleaning. Sometimes we become perceptive enough regarding our need for this that we seek God and ask for His help to create in us a new heart. At other times this process may happen as a result of some kind of trauma that strips us bare and exposes us to the light.

Regardless of how it happens, you will soon notice a few things about your newly made radiant again heart. For one thing, while you will reflect more light, you will also be more sensitive to the lack of it. Everything feels more exposed, more raw and painful. You begin to feel as if you could be easily shattered. The cares, the sorrows, the heartaches of others will weigh on you like a lead weight. Which makes sense really, since crystal and lead are closely related- lead being used in the process of making crystal.

So as my heart has been created anew, I now begin to feel more strongly than ever that I am on the verge of shattering. And while his seems a fearful process, I somehow know at some core level that shattered glass reflects even more light. The shards will be a million tiny pieces casting light in every direction. "In brokenness comes beauty, divine fragility". Sound familiar? Shalom!

Divine Fragility

"From brokenness comes beauty
Divine fragility
Reminding me of nail scarred hands
Reaching out to me....."

These are words from a Mercy Me song called "Undone".  Did I mention that I am holding in my hot little hand 2 tickets to see them in Baltimore on Oct 2nd?  Answer to prayer!  Have been wanting to see them for awhile now.  Correction- have been NEEDING to see them.   Their music ministers to me in such a powerful way.  I am needed in Maryland this coming week and when I saw their concert date there near the end of my trip and one day before our scheduled vacation, it just seemed like God was saying- "yes- I will honor your need".   I know that there is a special blessing waiting for me at this concert.....

These words- they always arrest me when I hear them.  It never fails.  My heart always pauses. It doesn't matter how many times I hear this song.  I have recently been mulling them over and over and over. There seems to be something I need to write about them.  Yet as I sit here, I am not even sure what I want to say. The way words and songs speak to my heart remains a mystery to me.  I just know that they have a profound effect on me.  I will read something, or hear a song, or someone will say something to me in a conversation, and it is as if the heavens open up and there is a divine revelation.  It is the strangest thing.  I feel washed over in Grace.  This is the what I believe people are speaking of when they talk about an encounter with the Holy Spirit.

Divine fragility.....I have learned a lot about this recently.  This has been a paradigm shifter for me.  Over the course of the past few months I have come to understand some things about myself and about us as a people-  Americans I mean.  In our society Independence above all things is prized-  the quintessential "I did it my way!"  Rugged Individualism.  Pulling oneself up by one's boot straps.  If we had a national slogan it would incorporate one, if not all, of these concepts.  They all describe what we prize in our society- sufficiency of The Self.  But these are things that God despises.  It has taken me a long time to understand this.  I am not sure I would ever have reevaluated my unswerving devotion to these concepts were it not for a friend/teacher/mentor who gently challenged my thought processes.  Because I was BIG into self sufficiency.  What he as taught me is this:  God wants us to live in total dependence upon Him.  He wants us to need His counsel.  He will orchestrate our lives in order to bring us to the place that we are so broken that we throw our hands up in despair and admit we can't do it on our own anymore.  This is when God delights in us. Because it allows Him to meet our deepest need.  Which is what life is all about.....we are all designed with a God-shaped hole.  It is when we embrace our divine fragility that He can dwell within us and occupy this space......God doesn't just want to know us or for us to know Him.  He wants ownership of us.....

I no longer think of dependency as a dirty word. I think of it as divine fragility.  From brokenness comes beauty.....Jesus was perfect in all things.  In power, in knowledge, in glory, and might.  And yet He allowed himself to be broken in order to fulfill the Father's will.  From His brokenness comes beauty.  If Jesus could submit himself to the Father's will, surely we can do no less. Yes, - we will be "undone".  But being undone by God is a vast improvement over being done over by ourselves.......Shalom!

Friendship- The Sweetest Gift of All

I have the great good fortune of having the most amazing circle of friends.  Some of my friendships stretch all the way back to childhood- my BFF, Wendy for example.  Some of my friendships are fairly recent, but they are just as significant in my life as the long standing ones.  What I have discovered is that time alone does not determine the strength of my bond to another person. Nor can time or distance necessarily diminish it.  The most significant thing to me is just exactly how much of his or her heart a person is willing to share- how much of who they really are and are willing to let you see.  This determines how deep a friendship I will form with someone. It takes a special kind of trust for people to be able to show their true selves to another person.  It must be safe to do so.  You must know that you will be loved no matter what-  that it is okay to drop the "public mask" and be yourself without fear of judgement or loss of good opinion.  Because in the end we are all imperfect in one way or another.  Many of us, in lots of ways!

I have referred to friendship as the sweetest gift of all.   Some will no doubt question this.  What about family, you might ask?  I would never discount the importance of family. Clearly one's family is a special blessing from God.  However- families we do not choose.  These are given to us by God.  By and large we cannot change them.  Nothing can ever really dissolve this bond.  We can choose to walk away from our families, ignore them, cut all ties with them, but that doesn't change the fact that they will always be our family.  The bond of flesh and blood is not removable. Friends, on the other hand, are not bound by this obligation.  They are not tied irrevocably to us. They are free to walk out at any time. They have free will.  Just as we all have free will when it comes to our friendship with God. We are free to love Him or not.  The choice is ours.  No coercion ever occurs.

Jesus spent his entire ministry among his closest friends. He had a family. On occasion they even traipsed around Galilee looking for him.  What was his response?  He reminded them that his "family" was anyone who did his Father's will.  Jesus lived and died among his friends. After his resurrection, it was to these friends that he appeared.  I think this shows the special place of favor that friendship occupies in God's holy kingdom.

The strongest, truest, deepest friendships I have ever formed are with those whom I share a common faith. One special friend of mine calls these "sacred friendships".  I love this description.  Everyone needs sacred friends.  A sacred friend shares their soul with you as well as their heart.  They lift you up in times of sorrow.  They share your joy in times of triumph.  They hold you accountable when they see you wander off track.  They forgive you when you are less than perfect.  They love you not only for who you are, but also for who they see God making you to be.  Ultimately- they see you as God sees you.  And this is why your bond with such friends is so powerful.

Of course, such friendships are rare and precious.  Most of what passes for friendship on our popular culture looks nothing like what I have described above.  But such friendships do exist.  I have the good fortune to have a handful of such friends.  Even just one is a holy gift.  If you are lucky enough to have more than one, your cup truly runneth over! 

So if you don't have such a friend in your life, how do you go about finding one?  Well- it takes some effort, but it is well worth it.  I am very intentional about this.  If I meet someone whose heart speaks to mine, I work very hard to cultivate a friendship with that person.  I reach out.  I offer my time, my help, encouragement, and kindness.  I give of myself.  Most often I find that when you love someone sincerely and see them through God's eyes, they cannot help but respond to this degree of unconditional love. It is irresistible.  Because this is the model of how Christ taught us to love one and other.   There is truly no greater gift in this life..... Shalom!

Resolving Conflict... WWJD?

I have been thinking a lot about conflict lately.  There is so much of it everywhere we look.  In our homes, in our schools, in our communities, in our nation, in our world, and sadly- in our churches. The one place you expect to be your shelter in the storm. When your church ceases to be this, what does it become?

You would think that with the wealth of instruction that Jesus left about how we are to handle conflict we could do a better job with it.  The NT is full of examples.  The story about how to go confront someone and speak in love. If they don't acknowledge, go back with a friend.  Then take a second witness if that doesn't work.  That's a pretty clear example.  Turn the other cheek, walk the extra mile, give the man your cloak- all fairly clear examples also.  Forgive someone seven times seven.  You get the picture.....

So why don't we practice what He preaches?  This confounds me.  I think it must have to do with our egos, our overriding need to be "right" and an addiction to drama.  We pay lip service to "blessed are the peacemakers",  but who really glorifies peace and humility?  Take a good look around you at the world we live in.  The 24 hour news cycle thrives on conflict, petty insults, continuous stirring of the pot.  Why do people watch reality TV?  Name one show that portrays a peaceful, loving family, community, or small group...  Can't do it?  Of course not!  Because reality TV is all about drama and conflict.  People tune in hoping to see a cat fight.  Newspapers don't sell unless there is a big shocking headline of the front page.  The more salacious the better.

And sadly- our churches are not immune from these influences either.  Because they are made up of people.  And people are imperfect creatures.  Full of sinful drives and the desire to kill the light.  But the difference between "us" and "them" is that we profess to know Christ.  Yet we refuse to be changed by Him.  What good is "knowing" him when you don't "live" in Him?

If we really knew Christ and abided in Him, we would let Him, through us, love those who rub us the wrong way.  We would ask Him to help us love those we find unlovable.  Most of us don't even try to love those we dislike and maybe we shouldn't even try on our own.  Who can really do this anyway?  But I am reminded of a wonderful story I heard in a sermon recently about a man who, when confronted with a person from his past who had done him great harm, bowed his head and asked God to help him love this enemy.  He knew he couldn't do it by his own power, but his simple prayer allowed the Spirit of God to enter him , and it was the Spirit who loved this person.  And in that moment, love replaced anger, hurt, and remembrance of past pain inflicted.  Not by his own power could this have happened, but by the Spirit of God working through him.  Amazing!

I have been thinking a lot about that story today. How much better would the world be if we just practiced this kind of faith?  If each of us could just live in such a way, imagine the difference we would see in ourselves and our lives.  The next time I am confronted by someone who has really affected me in a negative way I will try to remember this example of Christ-like behavior.  I will try to remember a better way to resolve conflict  I will try to remember that first and foremost, we are called to love each other as Christ loves us. And forgive each other as He has forgiven us......Shalom!

The Place of Quiet Acceptance

I have been on a spiritual retreat for weeks now.  Maybe longer.  It's hard to pinpoint exactly when it began.  Maybe around the time I started writing these thoughts down in blog form.  But even before that, things inside me were stirring.  That is why I started writing in the first place.

I haven't gone anywhere.  I haven't been to an Ashrim in India. I haven't visited a monastery.  I haven't even been away for a weekend to the mountains- one of my favorite places to experience God.  No- I haven't gone anywhere. And yet, I have not been here.  "Real" life has been passing me by.  The laundry has piled up.  Bills sit waiting to be paid and have even been forgotten at least once.  The fridge is mostly empty.  The TV hasn't been on for weeks. Unless my husband is home from a trip, the house is silent.  Completely silent. 

People are noticing.  They are commenting.  I seem far away. In another world.  I have my head out of the game.  I still go to work.  I go to my yoga class. I talk to friends a lot via e-mail, Face book, and the phone but otherwise I am pretty cut off from the world. People keep asking me what I am doing.  The answer is this: reading, thinking, praying, waiting.  Why?  I haven't really known.  But I may be getting a glimpse now....

I think this has been a time of preparation for me.  I think God has been using powerful voices both of friends and from writers I don't even know to soften my rebellious heart. I think He has been wearing me down.  I think He has plans for me that require an act of faith so big that this time was necessary to proceed it.  In every step along the way recently I have been called to do things which have required obedience which, by the way, is something I am not good at.  With each whisper I have acknowledged, the stakes have grown.  It's like that story in the Bible where the servants are given assets from their master to manage.  One goes out and buries the money so as not to lose it, the other multiplies it for the master. With which one is the master pleased?  I am lousy at recalling chapter and verse otherwise I would quote it. The point is: prove faithful with a little and soon you will be entrusted with much more.

I keep hearing people describe me with words recently that scare me.  "Leader" being chief among them.  This is the last word I would apply to myself.  I like the word "servant" much better. I think I am fit to lead no one.  But I think I can serve in just about any capacity.  I know I am being called to serve in ways I have never considered before.  Some of them large, some of them small.  Some of them easily accomplished costing me very little, one that could cost me my health, safety, and well being.

That last call came this weekend.  I promised I would attend an informational meeting about a mission trip to Uganda with our youth. It was a promise extracted from me at a funeral  from our youth minister. What can I say?  He caught me at a vulnerable moment!  While I have always been a missions oriented person, this was not something on my radar.  I have always thought "maybe someday" regarding international mission work, but it has only been a faint whisper from far off.  I thought I would attend and then come up with a dozen reasons why I could not do this.  Not the least of which is I am OLD compared to the young people who will be on this trip and the words "no showers maybe for 2 weeks" are enough to strike terror into my heart.  I don't even like camping.  I am a Ritz Carlton kind of girl.....where's the nearest spa, please?

I attended the meeting, made no promises, said "thanks for the information", and headed home.  I didn't get far.  Before I even reached the house I had the overwhelming sense- heard within myself, all the reasons why no was not an option.  What came to me was this "what do you think all this time of preparation has been for anyway?"  Suddenly the skies parted and a sense of clarity appeared. And though there is much anxiety inherent in an undertaking of this magnitude- finally an answer to the restlessness.  And a sense of peace- I have finally reached the place of quiet acceptance,...

I don't know what this trip will yield.  I only know that I am being called to be a part of it.  And I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that I will be blessed by it.  Because what God calls us to do, he will accomplish according to his will.  I choose to follow where He is leading....Shalom!

Restless, Distracted, Weary

So -this has been a very difficult week.  In my experience, nothing upsets our apple cart or upends us more than sudden, unexpected, inexplicable death.  We all know that death is a part of life and that it can strike anyone, anytime. Yet we delude ourselves that such things only happen to other people.  Most often people we don't know- like people we read about in the newspaper.  When in comes knocking in your community it serves as a reminder that your time may be shorter than you think....

Why is it that, just like Billy Joel says "Only the Good Die Young"?  This really truly has been my life experience up to this point.  Most of the people I have known who have died young, suddenly, tragically were phenomenal people.  The  kind of people who are needed here on earth the most.  For the way that they love their family, their friends, their community, their church, and most importantly - their Savior.  Couldn't we just keep them awhile longer Lord?  We don't dispute Your right to call them home, we are just so much the poorer for their absence here on earth...

Grief, shock, and dismay have been the over riding themes of my life this week. Throw in some stress and confusion and that about sums it up. And all of the above have lead to a sense of overwhelming weariness.  Nothing seems to make sense.  Comfort is so hard to come by.  The words to prayer are so hard to form on my lips.  I  have found myself saying the same thing over and over "I just need....I just need.... I just need....."  I don't know what it is that I need, only that I need something that I seem to be unable to articulate.  I think this must be one of those times when the Holy Spirit is having to interpret my groans. Because I don't know what I am asking for.  I only know it originates from a deep aching place in my soul.  I just don't seem to be able to unravel the threads and examine them. 

Restlessness.  That is the other thing I am grappling with.  The realization, or rather being reminded anew, that life is short and you just never know if today will be your last, has reinforced a sense of urgency.  There is so much I want to do.  As soon as I figure out exactly what it is! Or rather, as soon as God reveals it to me. So- I wait.  And I need.  And I wrestle with myself and my emotions.  And I grow weary.  God seems silent and far away.  I think I just figured out what I need....  I just need Him to draw near. There is the inarticulate just articulated......

That's the beauty of writing. Sometimes when you write things down you can suddenly see them clearly.  I think I have found my prayer.  Think I will go pray it now.....  Shalom!

Powerful Sorrows

Today is a day of crippling sorrow.  Today is one of those bitter days from which we will later be reminded of the sweetness of life when we see it once again.  Because we have tasted the bitter, we recognize the sweet.  All lives are made up of both.  There is a season for all things as it says in Ecclastices.  Though we resist the pain and attempt to push it away, ultimately we must yield unto it. The only way around is through.  Praise His Holy name, for the promise that He will walk along side us in the valley of the shadow.....

Death, loss, change and strife- all have paid me a visit in the last 72 hours.  Death- when is strikes out of the blue and carries off someone you just saw a minute, a day, a week ago is particularly hard to fathom.  You are left with the sense that someone has pulled the rug out from under you.  How is it possible that a healthy, vibrant life is snatched away in an instant? We mourn for a life left unfinished- or so it seems to us.......

On the other hand, the other way isn't necessarily any easier.  My best friend has stage IV cancer and she has had a slow inexorable progression towards the inevitable surrender of her life.  I have listened to her speak about arranging her own funeral, picking out her own casket, and talk about where she will be buried.  Not a conversation you should be having with someone who just turned 50 a few months ago.  This impending loss became very real to me in the past day or so as I spent some time visiting her and seeing the changes which have occurred since the last time we were together.  This is a slow death by degrees.

Change and strife.  My other two nemeses have reared their ugly heads.  I don't like conflict.  I like it even less in my church which I believe to be my sanctuary, my oasis, my port in the storm.  When things start swirling out of control and gossiping tongues start wagging I get upset. Somehow it is harder to take from Christian people.  I have a higher expectation of people who call themselves followers of Christ.  Are we not supposed to solve our conflicts with love and understanding?  Why does every contentious issue have to turn into a head hunt?

And finally change.  This is a big one for me. I don't like anything that takes people whom I love out of my life.  And there have been lots of such losses recently. They have sort of piled up in a cumulative effect.  I have a tendency to collect people like charms on a bracelet.  They are all valuable, important, and beloved to me.  When changes occur that remove them from their role in my life I usually don't take it well. That may be sort of an understatement. Tearful meltdown is a more apt description....

So- all of the above- sudden unexpected death, slow impending death march, conflict and dissention, and change of the undesired kind, have met at an intersection in my life all at the same time.  The result is a powerful sense of sorrow.  This is the bitter part.  As I sit here tempted to feel sorry for myself I am reminded that God never promised us an easy journey- just that He would be along for every step of it. Pasture maker- hold on to my hand.  Walk beside me.  Comfort me with Thy rod and Thy staff.  Some days on earth are just too full of sorrow to be borne alone......Shalom!