Just for fun, before beginning this post, I did a google search for "family values". It's amazing all the stuff that comes up. Everything from propaganda by political organizations (both left and right leaning- each has an amusingly different take on what the phrase means) to a bunch of psychobabble from different psychological organizations and publications. It seems everyone wants to weigh in on "family values". Each group seems anxious to own it. To define it. But what does it really mean? We could argue long and hard over this, but what I am really interested in talking about is the way in which American values differ so vastly from African values. Mainly in that they actually HAVE some and live them out......
We talk a lot in this country about how we value the family. Our politicians blather on and on about it seemingly endlessly. That is, when they aren't trying to destroy each other over debt ceilings and the like. What I see in this country is little thought or care at all for families or by families for their own collective good. Or for the collective good of the community. What community? Here it is largely every nuclear family for themselves. And this is the opposite of what I saw in Uganda.
In our society, what I see nearly daily, is that most families bow down at the altar of The Almighty Child. I see families who practically worship their children. From what I have read, this trend began the the 60's with the advent of such writers as Dr Spock. I see lots of parents who believe their kids can do no wrong. Who carefully orchestrate their every waking moment. Who agonize over every possible "trauma" which might befall them and then go to great lengths to ensure that these things never happen. Kids are rescued from every potential failure. Failure is not an option- Johnny might feel bad and suffer a loss of self esteem. Unthinkable! Parents go into debt buying things they can't afford so that their kids won't feel bad about not having what their peers have. They neglect their own retirement needs so that their kids can attend a $40k per year private university when a public one would do just as well. Children in our society are taught practically from the moment of their birth that they are the most important person in the room, and certainly on equal footing with any adult. They are also taught that their needs, wants, desires, supersede those of all others at all times. I could go on and on. Don't believe me? Talk to a few teachers! I once witnessed a woman take 40 minutes to dress a 4 yr old after minor surgery. Because every time she tried to put the child's clothing on the little girl would begin screaming and whining. So the mom would stop, coddle her, tell her how they didn't need to do this right now. That they could wait. That they could stay here all day till she felt like putting her clothes on. That she (the child) was in charge today! I can tell you had that been one of my boys those clothes would have been on in 30 seconds and we would have been out the door. Cry all you want. Crying is not a fatal illness! I sometimes feel like shouting this at work on a daily basis! Like school teachers- I see a lot of parenting issues going on all around me through my work environment. And frankly- I don't know how on earth they are able to put up with most American parents. To every teacher out there who might read this- you have my complete sympathy!!
I think most Americans we are totally unaware of any potential problems with parenting paradigm I have just spoken of. It is so pervasive that we think of it as normal. No one questions it. In fact - we believe that all other ways of parenting are wrong. But it wasn't always this way in America. And it is not this way in other parts of the world in 2011. There was a time in this country when children were "seen and not heard". There was a time when they were just one member of a typically larger family unit that probably included some gradparents. When their needs were on par with everyone else's needs within the family as a whole. They didn't live on a pedestal. There was a time when their job was to contribute to the general welfare of the family unit. To function in it as a cog within the larger wheel- instead of as the engine which drives every single decision, often to the detriment of other family members. Those days, sadly, are largely gone in this country. Africa, however, is a different story.
Our society is all about The Individual. We live and die by the iconic philosophy of "The Rugged Individualist". This is as American as red, white, and blue, and mom's apple pie! African society is all about the collective welfare of all. This is true of each family unit as well as the village. Families live and die- very literally- by attending to their welfare as a whole. A child in Africa understands that his or her place is in submission to the adults in the community. They honor their parents and their elders. Parents are so very valued by African children. On a continent overwhelmed with orphans due to HIV/Aids, those who still have at least one parent consider themselves to be very fortunate. I met two orphaned boys in Africa - one a 15 yr old boy named Sam, the other an 18 yr old boy named Henry. Their parents have long been dead. They died when these boys were very young- so young that neither boy can have much memory of them. Yet, when each spoke to me about having no parents, a dark cloud passed over each of their faces and their eyes bore a distant pain. By the end of the week they were both calling me "Mum". Parents are seen as a great advantage in Africa. When was the last time your kids thought of you as any kind of asset in their lives? I could rest my case right here but I won't.........
School is a great privilege in Africa. Every child wants to go. Many cannot due to a lack of ability on the part of their parents to come up with the necessary fees. School is technically "free" and public and private schools both exist. But kids need uniforms. They need porridge money (lunch fee). Books must be purchased. Just to keep starvation at bay an African needs to earn around $2.00 per day. In Uganda and Kenya you can earn around $ 1.50 for 12 hours of work. If you can find it. Remember- the unemployment rate is around 80%. So you do the math. Where's a family to come up with school fees? I was curious about how much it costs to send a Ugandan child to school. For an entire school year it costs about $200. That's 55 cents per day. Nothing to us. But you can see that it's a sizable chunk of your budget if you live on less than $2.00 per day. Again- think about your kids and their attitude about school. Do they see it as a great privilege to attend? Or do they mostly whine and complain about every single thing associated with it?
I don't want to digress too much here because I intend to write a whole post about schools later. My purpose here is to contrast the stark differences I saw between the way in which we view family in the west, versus the way they do in the developing world. Families there depend upon each other and upon God for their very survival. As such, they recognize the great importance of the collective good. They function as a unit. Individual desires are set aside. Children there don't dream dreams for themselves. They dream dreams for their family! So many children told me of their dreams of going to school and making something of themselves in order to raise up their family into a better life. This is in fact, exactly what they do. If one child manages somehow to escape to the city and land a job, they immediately take on the role of provider to the family. They begin to send money home for school fees for all the remaining younger siblings. The one who becomes successful becomes the provider for all. One night when we were playing a game called " cultural hot seat" one of the Ugandan youths in our group, an 18 yr old named Billy, was asked what his dream was for his life. This is what he said. "I dream of making my parents the proudest of me". Billy wants to graduate and go to university -so that he can help his family. Not so that he can party. Not so that he can drink himself into a coma every weekend. Not in order to chase chicks. Not to get away from home and the oppressive rules of his parents, but to make something of himself so that he can take care of his family. Again- I could rest my case here but I have one more story to tell.
One night during our adult leader's huddle, one of our young Ugandan friends shyly approached us and asked if he might speak with us. His name was Moses. He is the son of George and Margaret, whose house we were working to enlarge by creating a foundation for 3 new rooms. Moses stood there in the dark at nearly 11pm so that he could thank us profusely for making his parents so happy. He thanked God over and over for us. He expressed again and again how wonderful God is for sending us to his country to help his family. He just wanted us to know how thankful to God he was that we were making his parents so very happy. When he walked away to begin his mile long trek home in the pitch black African night, I was just shaking with emotion. I was doubled over in tears. It took a long time for me to stop weeping. I wasn't alone. There wasn't a dry eye in our group.
So there you have it. Family values. American style versus African style. You be the judge. Draw your own conclusions. For me, they win- hands down. Shalom!
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