Do you ever have times in your life when it seems impossible to understand even your own heart? Let alone another that of another person? Most of the time for me things are crystal clear. I have a pretty high degree of self awareness. I am able to sort thru my thoughts and feelings with relative ease and come to conclusions quickly, without a lot of laboring. Once in awile, however, something takes me completely by surprise and I struggle to understand the contents of my own heart. For me this is the most painful of conditions. It is hard not to be able to understand another person. It is unbearable not to be able to understand yourself. I need to know why I act in certain ways. Why I believe certain things. Why I feel the way I do about various people. .....
When I can't understand any one of these things, when something seems to make no sense, I feel like a house built on shifting sand. I just want desperately to get off the shaky ground and back on solid footing. Sometimes a relentless internal search will yield answers. At other times, this is not the case. It is the latter where I experience the greatest difficulty. When I ask the hard questions, and still the answers don't seem to come...
I think perhaps this may be God's way of teaching us difficult lessons such as dependency and humility. When we are sure of everything, when we are in control of all our thoughts and emotions, when we have it all figured out, we are operating under our own power. We don't really need to consult Him for anything. What drives me to my knees again and again is when I feel helpless. When I lack answers. When I don't understand something. When I can't find within myself the truth because I just can't see it. When I am blind, I need sight. I need His illumination. When my heart is a mess and I can't wade my way thru the confusion, this is when I am most in need of His divine intervention. Maybe this is why God allows us to be made weak in our understanding of things now and then. So that we will turn to Him and seek His face. So that we are reminded that He is God and we are not!
So that is what I am doing during this time of not understanding my own heart. I wish it were easier. I wish it would end sooner. I wish I could power my way thru the mess of my feelings but instead I find that I must sit and wait for answers that I hope will come. And while I wait, I pray. This is, in the end, all I know to do......Shalom!
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