So -this has been a very difficult week. In my experience, nothing upsets our apple cart or upends us more than sudden, unexpected, inexplicable death. We all know that death is a part of life and that it can strike anyone, anytime. Yet we delude ourselves that such things only happen to other people. Most often people we don't know- like people we read about in the newspaper. When in comes knocking in your community it serves as a reminder that your time may be shorter than you think....
Why is it that, just like Billy Joel says "Only the Good Die Young"? This really truly has been my life experience up to this point. Most of the people I have known who have died young, suddenly, tragically were phenomenal people. The kind of people who are needed here on earth the most. For the way that they love their family, their friends, their community, their church, and most importantly - their Savior. Couldn't we just keep them awhile longer Lord? We don't dispute Your right to call them home, we are just so much the poorer for their absence here on earth...
Grief, shock, and dismay have been the over riding themes of my life this week. Throw in some stress and confusion and that about sums it up. And all of the above have lead to a sense of overwhelming weariness. Nothing seems to make sense. Comfort is so hard to come by. The words to prayer are so hard to form on my lips. I have found myself saying the same thing over and over "I just need....I just need.... I just need....." I don't know what it is that I need, only that I need something that I seem to be unable to articulate. I think this must be one of those times when the Holy Spirit is having to interpret my groans. Because I don't know what I am asking for. I only know it originates from a deep aching place in my soul. I just don't seem to be able to unravel the threads and examine them.
Restlessness. That is the other thing I am grappling with. The realization, or rather being reminded anew, that life is short and you just never know if today will be your last, has reinforced a sense of urgency. There is so much I want to do. As soon as I figure out exactly what it is! Or rather, as soon as God reveals it to me. So- I wait. And I need. And I wrestle with myself and my emotions. And I grow weary. God seems silent and far away. I think I just figured out what I need.... I just need Him to draw near. There is the inarticulate just articulated......
That's the beauty of writing. Sometimes when you write things down you can suddenly see them clearly. I think I have found my prayer. Think I will go pray it now..... Shalom!
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