I have been on a spiritual retreat for weeks now. Maybe longer. It's hard to pinpoint exactly when it began. Maybe around the time I started writing these thoughts down in blog form. But even before that, things inside me were stirring. That is why I started writing in the first place.
I haven't gone anywhere. I haven't been to an Ashrim in India. I haven't visited a monastery. I haven't even been away for a weekend to the mountains- one of my favorite places to experience God. No- I haven't gone anywhere. And yet, I have not been here. "Real" life has been passing me by. The laundry has piled up. Bills sit waiting to be paid and have even been forgotten at least once. The fridge is mostly empty. The TV hasn't been on for weeks. Unless my husband is home from a trip, the house is silent. Completely silent.
People are noticing. They are commenting. I seem far away. In another world. I have my head out of the game. I still go to work. I go to my yoga class. I talk to friends a lot via e-mail, Face book, and the phone but otherwise I am pretty cut off from the world. People keep asking me what I am doing. The answer is this: reading, thinking, praying, waiting. Why? I haven't really known. But I may be getting a glimpse now....
I think this has been a time of preparation for me. I think God has been using powerful voices both of friends and from writers I don't even know to soften my rebellious heart. I think He has been wearing me down. I think He has plans for me that require an act of faith so big that this time was necessary to proceed it. In every step along the way recently I have been called to do things which have required obedience which, by the way, is something I am not good at. With each whisper I have acknowledged, the stakes have grown. It's like that story in the Bible where the servants are given assets from their master to manage. One goes out and buries the money so as not to lose it, the other multiplies it for the master. With which one is the master pleased? I am lousy at recalling chapter and verse otherwise I would quote it. The point is: prove faithful with a little and soon you will be entrusted with much more.
I keep hearing people describe me with words recently that scare me. "Leader" being chief among them. This is the last word I would apply to myself. I like the word "servant" much better. I think I am fit to lead no one. But I think I can serve in just about any capacity. I know I am being called to serve in ways I have never considered before. Some of them large, some of them small. Some of them easily accomplished costing me very little, one that could cost me my health, safety, and well being.
That last call came this weekend. I promised I would attend an informational meeting about a mission trip to Uganda with our youth. It was a promise extracted from me at a funeral from our youth minister. What can I say? He caught me at a vulnerable moment! While I have always been a missions oriented person, this was not something on my radar. I have always thought "maybe someday" regarding international mission work, but it has only been a faint whisper from far off. I thought I would attend and then come up with a dozen reasons why I could not do this. Not the least of which is I am OLD compared to the young people who will be on this trip and the words "no showers maybe for 2 weeks" are enough to strike terror into my heart. I don't even like camping. I am a Ritz Carlton kind of girl.....where's the nearest spa, please?
I attended the meeting, made no promises, said "thanks for the information", and headed home. I didn't get far. Before I even reached the house I had the overwhelming sense- heard within myself, all the reasons why no was not an option. What came to me was this "what do you think all this time of preparation has been for anyway?" Suddenly the skies parted and a sense of clarity appeared. And though there is much anxiety inherent in an undertaking of this magnitude- finally an answer to the restlessness. And a sense of peace- I have finally reached the place of quiet acceptance,...
I don't know what this trip will yield. I only know that I am being called to be a part of it. And I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that I will be blessed by it. Because what God calls us to do, he will accomplish according to his will. I choose to follow where He is leading....Shalom!
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